Do You Know Where The G-Spot Is?

Not much scares me except spiders with the faces of dragons that will kill me as soon as they touch me that I imagine in my dreams, women in fast cars and the continual threat of a new series of “My Family”. Oh and as I’m a man I’d better say meaningful relationships I suppose. Franklin D Roosevelt once said that the “only thing we have to fear is fear itself". Well maybe he should’ve also had the fear of a cerebral haemorrhage and then possibly he may have lived longer. A lot of people have a fear of dying. This is an illogical fear as you never know, it might not happen to you. I’ve seen it happen to a lot of people, most of whom are sadly no longer with us, but it hasn’t actually happened to me yet to my knowledge.

These days, you can’t smoke in pubs so they are a lot safer. Soon, once alcohol is also banned, we can safely visit bars without the fear of smoking, drinking and having a good night and all will be well with the world (unless you live in Zimbabwe). Which reminds me, can you die of boredom? I will watch the next series of “My Family” and let you know in due course. The UK government, following on from the lead of the US is intent on not only making smokers social outcasts, but soon, drinkers too! Hoorah! Then what vices will we be able to have (apart from those metal squeezy things that your dad has in the shed)? Amphetamines, Marijuana, Heroin and Cocaine I guess like our American cousins (if you have more than one American cousin). See, it’s not all bad. Apparently, years ago people were stoned to death – think how much tobacco and cannabis that would take! I was born too late me – half past one in the morning according to my mum and she swears she was there at the time so I have to take her word for it. I had an arse like a slapped arse at the time I’m told.

Only in human nature can we have such a word as “Phobophobia” which is a fear of fear (why does that word scare me?). Franklin D Roosevelt would be spinning in his grave – mind your head whilst spinning Frank, don’t wanna be doing any more damage. I think fear governs the world. Have you seen how Gordon Brown drops his jaw in horror every time he utters a sentence? And I’ve not even started on terrorism yet but that’s because I can’t get my home made bomb to work yet. I used the wrong amount of baking soda and ended up with a loaf of bread that didn’t go off until 3 days after it’s best before date and most of parliament had left before then to fill in 25 identical claims for the second homes they didn't have or equated to a cardboard box in Oxford Street.

I've just joined so hello from me
about 1 hour ago from txt

Not sure what I should put now loloooool
45 minutes ago from txt

Just leaving the house
40 minutes ago from txt

I'm on the steps now
38 minutes ago from txt

Second step
36 minutes ago from txt

Fourth step
36 minutes ago from txt

Sorry, I forgot to say I was on the third step
35 minutes ago from txt

Third step (I fell backwards)
34 minutes ago from txt

Fourth step
34 minutes ago from txt

Missed the bus because I kept stopping to type inane bollocks on here
30 minutes ago from txt

I'm not sure who's sadder, me or the 3267 followers I've now got
27 minutes ago from txt

I wonder how long it is until the next bus?
24 minutes ago from txt

@person_standing_next_to_me_at_bus_stop oh thanks
23 minutes ago from txt

@rtopa probably about 10 more mins til the next one. Thanks for caring.
Or are you just trying to chat me up?
22 minutes ago from txt

@rtopa I thought so. But thanks for saying I sound interesting. Trust me
nobody has ever said that to me before
19 minutes ago from txt

I love tweeting already. My life now has purpose for a change
16 minutes ago from txt

@the_real_paris_hilton_not_one_of_the_200_pretend_ones Yeah it probably
is just a fad, but I don't get out much
11 minutes ago from txt

Bus has turned up
10 minutes ago from txt

First step
10 minutes ago from txt

Bus driver has just told me to "hurry the fuck up and put your fucking phone
away"
9 minutes ago from txt

Second step
8 minutes ago from txt

@busdriver I'm moving and texting as fast as I can ok
8 minutes ago from txt

First step (on my arse)
7 minutes ago from txt

On the pavement
7 minutes ago from txt

The bus has driven off :( I hope my boss won't be angry when I'm late :(
6 minutes ago from txt

@boss I'm so sorry, please don't sack me
3 minutes ago from txt

Shit
1 minute ago from txt

Well an X Factor winner is number 1 in the charts, so that must mean it's coming up to Christmas again. Apparently, the bookies stopped taking bets on Alexandra Burke being the Christmas number 1 several days ago after it became obvious that it was going to happen. The bookies should've stopped taking bets on it being number 1 about 3 months before X Factor even started. The bookies were fooled into thinking that they needed to actually listen to the song first before deciding - the silly billies.

Alexandra Burke has stated that she doesn't even like the 'Hallelujah' song she was forced by either knifepoint, gunpoint or cashpoint to record. I think you should start getting used to having no control as to what songs you sing - sometimes you have to do things you don't like doing in order to further a career. I'm talking about Simon Cowell's career obviously and if you're lucky, he might throw you a few bob as well. Christmas is a time for giving and receiving. You give money by calling to vote for your favourite contestant and then by buying the Christmas single and Simon receives the proceeds. Don't worry about not liking "your" choice of song for Christmas Alexandra, it doesn't really matter what song you sing. You could shit down a microphone and it will still get to number 1. Burke by name....

Due to the credit crunch, everybody is having to cut back a bit on spending over Christmas and not go so credit card mentallous. But obviously you can't cut back over Christmas as it's not right, so like everyone else it's gonna have to wait until the new year. Though after that there's always a few birthdays so I would put off cutting back until the summer, but of course then there's holidays to pay for. I dunno eh. After that I've got a few other birthdays, nights out, other expensive shit I fancy splashing out on for no real reason and next year's X Factor winner's single to buy, which I've heard will be the sound of someone shitting down a microphone. Sounds cool. Ah well, I'll have to start cutting back next Christmas then instead I suppose.

I think watches are badly designed. I always find that when I want to know the date, it is quarter past something and I can't see what the date is. I then try again about an hour later and I still can't see it. Stupid it is. If I was designing watches I'd put the date at the quarter to bit instead and the problem would be totally eradicated. I find it strange that wristwatches have only been around for a hundred years or so because as far as I know, time has been around for a long time - see the clue is in "a long time"!! I wear a watch so I find that time is always against me.

Of course, early wrist-watches weren't as spangly, dazzily and wrist-watchy as they are today. Early forms of the watch were much like incompetent Al Qaeda terrorists in that a lot of them had no hands and time telling became a fun guessing game which people would spend minutes or perhaps hours playing - nobody really knew how long. The next phase of wrist-watches only went up to 10 hours which unfortunately meant that people would spend 2 hours in the morning and night in a timeless void probably floating around in some parallel universe somewhere or other if you believed in all that. If you didn't believe in that kind of thing you just couldn't tell what the time was for a couple of hours. We used to have a grandfather clock in my house which we'd converted out of some old disused grandfather who was just lying around in the loft doing nothing apart from moaning.

I've done a bit of research into the mathematics of time and I can report that it was very boring and you won't be interested in it at all. It certainly didn't have anything to do with me not understanding it. All I do know is... At some point in your life, you get to a certain age where despite pentapeptides and after accepting defeat to Olay's seven signs of aging you suddenly find yourself standing in a queue at the post office moaning about your failing body and "kids nowadays" or you inexplicably wake up and find yourself sitting on a coach on a trip to the seaside surrounded by other biddies, before falling back to sleep again 5 minutes later.

Isn't it strange?... Advertising is all to the wonk as I see it. They get fat people like Fern Britton to advertise slimming foods like those Ryvita mini thingies, which obviously work because she has now lost a load of weight due to the free gastric band you must get with each packet. And then they get women who are skinnier than a rake in a vice to advertise chocolate. Don't people know that the reason chocolate is called things like planets, mars and galaxy is that you become the size of the name of the product if you eat enough of it. I know someone who looks exactly like M&M for example. Or was it Eminem? You know, comes from Mars, bit tasteless, has those annoying characters on TV and had hits with 'Stan' and 'Lose Yourself'.

Isn't it strange?... You can have a dream one night, forget all about it 5 minutes after you've got up even though you made a point of remembering it and despite sometimes getting small flashbacks about it during the day that make no sense whatsoever, the next night you go to bed, you can remember it all again - whether you like it or not. And in fact if you don't wanna remember it, it is harder to forget. You can then attempt to try to piece the bits of the dream together so it makes sense again, or worse you can try to explain your dream to someone else even though you know it's not gonna make any sense at all and there's the possibility you are going to sound like a proper nutter.

Isn't it strange?... Couples who don't have kids usually end up having one or more dogs as a baby substitute and then treat them and talk about them as though they really are babies, sometimes even going the full nutcase and actually referring to them as babies. Dogs can be as ugly as babies I know, but that's where the comparison ends apart from shitting everywhere and barking obviously, but if kids are going to get Whooping Cough that's their problem. I think children should be seen and not heard, particularly if they are George Sampson though preferably not seen as well in his case. George Sampson won Britain's Got Talent by dancing. The makers of the programme obviously didn't think it through properly as you can't release singles by a dancer. Well that's what we'd all hoped anyway! They are just assuming everyone will buy his single because he can dance. Do they think the general public is stupid? That's like assuming people are so stupid they will buy the song he danced to on Britain's Got Talent as well and get that to number 1.

hullo peepz. wel wot can i say bout me he he. not much. dnt do alot but jam, dance, drinks and dat. got fuk all 2 say relly but obv im sooooo random its da fuk init. im safe gal init and lissen 2 othrs probs. im very understanding and kind

but u say jus 1 bad ting and i fukin av ya. i dnt link so dnt fukin ask. not less u buff and ave a nice car init. i no i sound lyk gal u wud tak 2 ur mum n butta wnt melt but im a bitch and proud of it 4 sum reason init k k k k! and haterz can fuk off aswel even tho im 1 miself lol. itz funny when gals hate coz dere man lookin at mi. is it my fault if i encourage it and fuk dere man behind dere bak?? xxxx

mi bredrinz fink im a great gal wen dey not slaggin mi off behind mi bak init. and mi bredrinz dat r man always say wen can i fuk u, damn u choong babygal and romantik shit lyk dat awwwwwwwwwww. im a hyp gal but dnt do fuk all.

if you jokes, n av same interests as mi lyk nuffin at all and talk diffrnt typ of shit 2 mi den messag mi boi. i dnt lyk borin peepz o peepz who cnt speek fukin inglis and leav the las letterz of eac wor. laterz k xx

Are you a postman or a dustman or in some other dead end job where if we tell you that the average IT salary is 37000 pounds a year, you’d be silly enough to think that you can earn that sort of money just like that after a 4 week course because you’ve got the dollar signs in your eyes? Good! Then you’re just the kind of silly bastard we’re after so read on…

Did you know that the average salary for an IT professional is 37000 pounds a year? Yeah, ok, the truth is the average is only that high because there are a few people up the top creaming it in at well over 100K a year – most IT jobs will only get you… well probably no more than you’re already earning now really, but, can I just check you still have the dollar signs in your eyes? Good! If you pay us a ridiculous amount each week, we will chuck you a copy of the Which Idiots Guide To Using A PC To Stop It Making A Da-Donk Noise Whenever You Push A Button magazine and convince you that you’re ready for a crappy career in IT. All IT jobs must pay well right? It’s IT and it sounds techy and must be well paid right? Can you still not think of anything else apart from the number 37000? Good! Read on…

Do you really think that you can achieve the same skill set after a 4 week course that people have after 3 years of a degree course? Do you think that sometimes you really can get something for nothing? Do you find French and Saunders' re-enactments of famous films funny just because Dawn French is an extremely fat version of a character in that film? Do people call you a bit of a dimlo? Do you think a dimlo is a female sex aid? Good! Read on...

Do you have good social skills and find it easy to talk to people? Never mind, we can train you out of it so you a ready for a career in IT. Do you own a brown tank top? Well bloody buy one, grow a beard and join us. We will even help you to find a job on completion of your course, probably doing what you were doing before you started it.

"Bestiality"

"Gonna Expose My Breasts For The Video"

"Let's Get Pissed Up"

"Ur A Shit Boyfriend"

"Ur Bisexual And I Don't Approve"

"Yet Another Sex Song"

"Ur Bisexual And I Liked It"

"Buy This Single For The Slightly Shocking Sex Laden Lyrics But Not Quite Shocking Enough To Get It Banned" (I Wonder Why Remix)

"Pearl Necklace (Naughty)"

"End Of A Musical Career (Soon)"

I must apologise for the delay in blogging once again. I've been on a time management course. I see lots of adverts for such courses, but I plumped for this one after the advert said "Time Management course applicants wanted - No Time Wasters!!!"

I've been hearing some strange lyrics on songs lately. I hear The Killers singing that they got soul but they’re not soldiers. Well that's probably true, but I'd like to point out to The Killers that just because you have something it doesn't necessarily follow that you are also everything that begins with something that sounds like that word. I have a car, but I'm not a carnation, a castle or a cartoon character. I have a fridge, but I'm not a bottled milkshake. I have an arse, but I'm not an arsehole - actually can I re-think my argument and get back to you later. Thanks.

Katy Perry has sung that she kissed a girl and not only did she like it but she hopes her boyfriend don't mind. I think I can put your mind at ease Katy and inform you that your boyfriend won't mind. Katy, Katy, Katy, this really does show a bit of naivety on your part. Not only would he not mind, he probably wants to be there to see it next time. In fact Katy, I think your boyfriend probably knows by now that you did it, so it's a bit late to worry about it really.

A lot of people are naive like Katy. I know I'm not naive because someone told me I wasn't and because I don't really understand whether it's true or not, I just believed them. I also don't believe in fate and I think I was always destined not to really. I think you can make your own fate and I'm sure I saw Konnie Huq make one on Blue Peter once. Konnie Huq - nice girl, but bad teeth. Her teeth look like the end of a packet of Polo's if you had the misfortune to drop them on the way back home from the shops. Come on Konnie, you’ve got the money for a good dentist and I will continue to reject your calls until you visit one, I’m sorry.

My friend is very much into reincarnation and as a result, I am now a born again reincarnationist (my new word for my new life). The final clue came when my pet gerbil told me he used to be the now sadly looking deceased Bruce Forsyth in a previous life. Now you might think that gerbils can't talk but as he used to be a human being he would've learnt how to talk then and despite dying you just don't forget how to do things like that so that proves it.