Do You Know Where The G-Spot Is?

Convicted criminals out on parole
Secret girlfriends of Ashley Cole
And those wanting to pump their bodies full of cholesterol
Were just passing by

People that just feel
That the meat can't be real
And find a certain appeal
About crap toys in a happy meal
Were just passing by

Those that like to be served by someone miserable or rude
And don't mind the big queue
For the slowest ever kind of fast food
Were just passing by

The chaste, acne-faced, straight-laced and shit-faced
Whose faith was misplaced
When they thought the M burger might have some form of taste
Were just passing by

The toddlers, young parents and the aging
School children bunking
And the people who can't quite afford Burger King
Were just passing by

People paying by cash, voucher or plastic
Who feel a bit of a dick
When the burger they buy looks nothing like the pic
And then 5 minutes after eating start to feel a bit sick
Were just passing by

There's a McDonalds for everyone (and pretty much one McDonalds restaurant per person)

As I have previously mentioned in a previous blog previously, if you put topical content in a blog, in particular if it involves mentioning Cheryl Cole, FHM's sexiest female for 2009, which is still Cheryl Cole just to hopefully place me higher up in the Google listings, you are guaranteed a few more visitors. Which probably explains why my blog "HaveanAffair.com" has received the most visits!(And that, fact fans is sad but true). So if you've just joined in because of the Cheryl Cole reference, then welcome pervs and do read on!

Cheryl Cole recently indicated that she doesn't trust her husband, footballer, and all-round bit of a cocky-arse twat, Ashley. But it's not as if trust is that important in a relationship anyway eh Cheryl? Cheryl has said that she is not happy with just Ashley, she wants even more children. I feel sorry for Cheryl. You can always tell when a female celebrity truly loves her husband to be when she changes her name to that of their husbands so as to make a statement that they are willing to sacrifice their brand (sur)name for love. Which explains why most of them don't do it.

You always know when a relationship is in trouble or when a couple want to show that they are blissfully happy together despite reports to the contrary - they hold hands in public, presumably in order to prevent that hand from giving them a good punch to the face. I used to tie my ex-girlfriend's hands behind her back but that was for an entirely different reason. David Cameron and his wife have been swanning around Manchester lately hand-in-hand, just to show what a solid relationship they have. But I secretly know his wife isn't happy with him even though it's not so secret anymore as I am also trusting you with the information. I know this because she is married to David Cameron so it's obvious she can't be happy if you think about it, which I must've done if you think about it, which you may do sometime when you're bored. Which could be about now.

David Cameron has stated that he doesn't want the Conservative party to be elected simply because they are sick to the tits of Labour. But that's how elections work Mr David sir. People vote to get people out, not people in. How else do you explain Boris Johnson being mayor of London. The conservatives could've put up any old bumbling, scruffy bastard shambles and put Boris up as if to prove it. The electoral system works as follows... A party gets in. After 10 years or so everyone gets sick of them and forgets how bad the other lot were when they were in. That party then gets in. Continue ad nauseum.

Did you used to be a celebrity but you're now finding work hard to come by? Are you a little bit famous but no-one really knows why? Have most people never bloody heard of you? Are you a struggling actor being forced to portray ordinary members of the public on adverts like the Red Driving School and those for dodgy loan companies? Do you pretend to actually have bought car insurance from Confused.com on their advert? Do you have little or no morals? Are you Andi Peters or Jodie Marsh? Then we'd love to hear from you!

Here in television land we are now trying to secure work for people just like you! Us celebrity types have to look after each other. To this end we require as many hardly known at all celebrities as we can get for a whole selection of programmes we've invented on the fly by cleverly changing old programmes just so you can get work instead. Programmes like...

Celebrity Family Fortunes!
I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!
Celebrity Wife Swap!
Celebrity Love Island!
Celebrity MasterChef!
Dancing On Ice!
Celebrity Place In The Sun!
Celebrity Scissorhands!
Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes!
Celebrity Weakest Link!
Strictly Come Dancing!
Celebrity Come Dine With Me!
Celebrity Big Brother!
Celebrity Bargain Hunt!
Celebrity Fit Club!

And sadly many, many, many, many more

Also coming soon...

Celebrity Celebrity Squares!
Celebrity Newsnight!
Celebrity Sitting Around Talking About Themselves!
Celebrity Prime Minister for a Day!
Celebrity Prime Minister for 2 Days!
Celebrity Assisted Suicide!
Celebrity Fame!
Celebrity Desperate Search for Fame!

In order to apply please call us on 0845 710292 and answer the following question which is so simple it could be included in the Celebrity Weakest Link show which deliberately has easier questions than the normal version because we do understand that celebrities are pretty thick to be honest:

I want to apply for any old celebrity programme because

A. I simply must be famous again even if it is for no reason whatsoever
B. I'm down to my last 3 homes
C. I've not had a holiday for over a fortnight
D. My ego needs inflating
E. All of the above

Calls cost £3.50 a minute and may last for over 3 hours if we can get you talking about yourself for long enough which is never normally a problem we find. Calls made after midnight will not count and even though we could just terminate the line, we won't and so you may and indeed will still be charged.

One day, someone will invent a ready meal container film cover which actually peels off instead of breaking off in a tapering effect in your hand with 99% of the cover still left on the container. Until then, the instructions should say pierce film lid several times and then once cooked, make multiple attempts at ripping off the cover and be annoyed as the film continually breaks during repeated attempts to remove it. Then stir well, have a pathetic attempt at re-covering the container with what’s left of the film and cook for the remaining time. Just to rub it in, they include a tantalising sticky out edge bit which you think you can simply pull to remove, but you can't just to annoy you that little bit more. It’s a bit (so much so, it is in fact nothing) like watching Jean-Claude Van Damme act and thinking he’s the worst actor you’ve ever seen. It’s close but no Seagal. Similar tantalising edge pull bit technology has since now also been added to milk and orange juice cartons. But then nature is cruel!

As proof of this, it is no coincidence that Chris Moyles now has the longest running breakfast show on Radio 1. Not that I’ve got anything firmly against the annoying, smug, fat twat. Well not until I manage to get hold of a shotgun anyway. I get up at midday now just so that I don’t have to wake up with Chris and I am able to get up that late as a result of years of experience as a student. We’ve all had to wake up to Chris Moyles for over 5 years now and if that sounds like a punishment then please do bear in mind he has been with his current partner for over 7 years! But that’s how you have to look at life really… it could always be worse - unless we’re talking about Chris Moyles’ diet plan. Chris takes great delight in continually babbling on about his exercise regime whilst still inexplicably managing to retain the proportions and weight of a truck with a gut the size of another truck with 27 illegal immigrants stashed in the back (don’t worry about their welfare, the state pays it, unless Chris eats them first).

Apparently, the comedy sections of the show are written by Comedy Dave, but seeing as these sections are always cut from the show from my experience, I suggest a new writer of these sections should possibly be brought in. Or just get shot of Comedy Dave as a happy compromise for anyone who’s ever met him. Oh and Dave, just by calling your tedious link to songs "The Tedious Link" doesn't actually then make it funny in some pathetic and incorrect attempt at irony in the same way that if I said "this next joke is going to be shit" doesn't either. Now it may sound to you like I just want to slag off the self-satisfied, pompous, if-I-surround-myself-with-people-who-are-even-less-funny-than-me-(and-that-took-some-doing-I-can-tell-you)-it’ll-make-me-look-good-hyphen arse, but…. oh I’ve forgotten the original point I was trying to make now. What I mean to say is I do congratulate Chris in that I never thought I would ever long to listen to songs from the charts again, but even the eloquent reciting of ex grime artist Dizzee Rascal selling out and producing candy rap music for 12 year olds is eminently more appealing than listening to various incarnations of early morning rip-off quizzes permeating the airwaves. And if that’s not a compliment then I’ve managed to word this blog correctly. Phew! I’m glad I’ve got that off my chest – as Chris Moyles’ partner would say.

You may know that 4,000,000 people got married in the US last year but did you also know that 2% of them met on NoMoreRohypnol (formally eHA!Money!)? And going by our adverts, those 2% were pretty much all mixed ethnic relationships. With any luck, by this time next year they'll all be divorced and back on our site again. And now we're here to fleece the UK too!! We're not a dating site, we're a relationship site so in other words, we're a dating site but relationship site sounds so much better and less sleazy we hope. Think of it like a forced marriage, but less fun! For a ridiculously high fee, we can take all the fun out of dating for you and set you up with what a computer program decides are your best matches. In fact we won't even let you browse members who don't fit your profile description. Love at first sight and opposites attract? Pah!

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No audio!
No cam option!
No checking who looked at your profile!
No performing your own profile search!
None of those nasty gays!
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At NoMoreRohypnol we go beyond pictures of ugly people and the description a user has put on their profile and instead match people by a huge collection of answers to tick box questions. Mental! So if you're serious about being absolutely desperate to hurry up and get bloody married to someone (anyone!!!) who's probably lied something chronic about their personality on their profile, then join up today. We won't regret it even if you do!

It has been reported that South African 800m winner Caster Semenya has failed a gender test. Rumours first started that she could be a man when it was discovered that she was so muscular, even her fellow female athletes didn’t fancy her. They then continued when it was revealed that she deliberately changed her surname to provide a hint of her gender and that she was really just taking the piss – standing up, though she claimed she used a shewee. She will not be stripped of her gold medal, though she may be stripped just to see what she’s got. However, though Caster (no-one calls her “sugar”) will not be required to hand back her gold, she may be tested to see if she can hand out a pearl necklace.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Nobody would’ve said anything if she’d represented Thailand as it’s pretty much the law there to be of mixed gender. And let’s face it, we’ve all been confused by not knowing if someone is a woman or a man. I do it regularly after 10 pints. Or sometimes sober in the case of Lady Gaga and Elly Jackson from La Roux. Apparently, officials will not be taking the matter further for a few months – she could’ve had her cock off by then! Even if it was just for aerodynamic purposes. It must be pretty hard to fail a gender test if you’ll pardon the pun. Even if you don’t really know, you’ve got a 50/50 chance of getting it right and if you fail it, simply ask for a re-test and cunningly remember what you went for last time and go for the other one. The same as I do after my 10 pints!

Hi. I’m Peter Andre. I was so sickened by the fact that Katie talked about our marriage problems and subsequent divorce on TV and made a stack of cash out of it that not only did I publicly denounce her for doing it, I decided to do the same thing myself in the News of The World soon afterwards. I only did it to put my side of the story across you understand, even though the money was very nice. But to be honest I would’ve done it for free, because I wanted to show the public I was the innocent party in all this. Nah, only joking. I’m a businessman by which I mean I will do anything for money. Some people also say I only made money through her input, but sometimes I put my cock inside her by myself, repulsive though it sounds.

Content with having put the record straight in the News of The World and happy to retreat away from public life, I then decided to also continue on a similar theme with Heat magazine which you can buy from all good (and trashy) magazine sellers. Some people are saying Katie and I only got together to make money from our so called relationship and when I get hold of these people I will want to know how the hell they found out! I never cheated on Katie whilst we were together and I can prove it! I only have the sexually transmitted diseases she gave me and no extra ones! Not even AIDS which will disappoint quite a few people I’m sure. So read about my amazing story in Heat this week and also hear details about my carefully planned please feel sorry for me and buy my new single and subsequent album because I’m sad about the divorce. Thanks. And thanks for the cash.

Not much scares me except spiders with the faces of dragons that will kill me as soon as they touch me that I imagine in my dreams, women in fast cars and the continual threat of a new series of “My Family”. Oh and as I’m a man I’d better say meaningful relationships I suppose. Franklin D Roosevelt once said that the “only thing we have to fear is fear itself". Well maybe he should’ve also had the fear of a cerebral haemorrhage and then possibly he may have lived longer. A lot of people have a fear of dying. This is an illogical fear as you never know, it might not happen to you. I’ve seen it happen to a lot of people, most of whom are sadly no longer with us, but it hasn’t actually happened to me yet to my knowledge.

These days, you can’t smoke in pubs so they are a lot safer. Soon, once alcohol is also banned, we can safely visit bars without the fear of smoking, drinking and having a good night and all will be well with the world (unless you live in Zimbabwe). Which reminds me, can you die of boredom? I will watch the next series of “My Family” and let you know in due course. The UK government, following on from the lead of the US is intent on not only making smokers social outcasts, but soon, drinkers too! Hoorah! Then what vices will we be able to have (apart from those metal squeezy things that your dad has in the shed)? Amphetamines, Marijuana, Heroin and Cocaine I guess like our American cousins (if you have more than one American cousin). See, it’s not all bad. Apparently, years ago people were stoned to death – think how much tobacco and cannabis that would take! I was born too late me – half past one in the morning according to my mum and she swears she was there at the time so I have to take her word for it. I had an arse like a slapped arse at the time I’m told.

Only in human nature can we have such a word as “Phobophobia” which is a fear of fear (why does that word scare me?). Franklin D Roosevelt would be spinning in his grave – mind your head whilst spinning Frank, don’t wanna be doing any more damage. I think fear governs the world. Have you seen how Gordon Brown drops his jaw in horror every time he utters a sentence? And I’ve not even started on terrorism yet but that’s because I can’t get my home made bomb to work yet. I used the wrong amount of baking soda and ended up with a loaf of bread that didn’t go off until 3 days after it’s best before date and most of parliament had left before then to fill in 25 identical claims for the second homes they didn't have or equated to a cardboard box in Oxford Street.

I've just joined so hello from me
about 1 hour ago from txt

Not sure what I should put now loloooool
45 minutes ago from txt

Just leaving the house
40 minutes ago from txt

I'm on the steps now
38 minutes ago from txt

Second step
36 minutes ago from txt

Fourth step
36 minutes ago from txt

Sorry, I forgot to say I was on the third step
35 minutes ago from txt

Third step (I fell backwards)
34 minutes ago from txt

Fourth step
34 minutes ago from txt

Missed the bus because I kept stopping to type inane bollocks on here
30 minutes ago from txt

I'm not sure who's sadder, me or the 3267 followers I've now got
27 minutes ago from txt

I wonder how long it is until the next bus?
24 minutes ago from txt

@person_standing_next_to_me_at_bus_stop oh thanks
23 minutes ago from txt

@rtopa probably about 10 more mins til the next one. Thanks for caring.
Or are you just trying to chat me up?
22 minutes ago from txt

@rtopa I thought so. But thanks for saying I sound interesting. Trust me
nobody has ever said that to me before
19 minutes ago from txt

I love tweeting already. My life now has purpose for a change
16 minutes ago from txt

@the_real_paris_hilton_not_one_of_the_200_pretend_ones Yeah it probably
is just a fad, but I don't get out much
11 minutes ago from txt

Bus has turned up
10 minutes ago from txt

First step
10 minutes ago from txt

Bus driver has just told me to "hurry the fuck up and put your fucking phone
away"
9 minutes ago from txt

Second step
8 minutes ago from txt

@busdriver I'm moving and texting as fast as I can ok
8 minutes ago from txt

First step (on my arse)
7 minutes ago from txt

On the pavement
7 minutes ago from txt

The bus has driven off :( I hope my boss won't be angry when I'm late :(
6 minutes ago from txt

@boss I'm so sorry, please don't sack me
3 minutes ago from txt

Shit
1 minute ago from txt

Well an X Factor winner is number 1 in the charts, so that must mean it's coming up to Christmas again. Apparently, the bookies stopped taking bets on Alexandra Burke being the Christmas number 1 several days ago after it became obvious that it was going to happen. The bookies should've stopped taking bets on it being number 1 about 3 months before X Factor even started. The bookies were fooled into thinking that they needed to actually listen to the song first before deciding - the silly billies.

Alexandra Burke has stated that she doesn't even like the 'Hallelujah' song she was forced by either knifepoint, gunpoint or cashpoint to record. I think you should start getting used to having no control as to what songs you sing - sometimes you have to do things you don't like doing in order to further a career. I'm talking about Simon Cowell's career obviously and if you're lucky, he might throw you a few bob as well. Christmas is a time for giving and receiving. You give money by calling to vote for your favourite contestant and then by buying the Christmas single and Simon receives the proceeds. Don't worry about not liking "your" choice of song for Christmas Alexandra, it doesn't really matter what song you sing. You could shit down a microphone and it will still get to number 1. Burke by name....

Due to the credit crunch, everybody is having to cut back a bit on spending over Christmas and not go so credit card mentallous. But obviously you can't cut back over Christmas as it's not right, so like everyone else it's gonna have to wait until the new year. Though after that there's always a few birthdays so I would put off cutting back until the summer, but of course then there's holidays to pay for. I dunno eh. After that I've got a few other birthdays, nights out, other expensive shit I fancy splashing out on for no real reason and next year's X Factor winner's single to buy, which I've heard will be the sound of someone shitting down a microphone. Sounds cool. Ah well, I'll have to start cutting back next Christmas then instead I suppose.