CAN I TRUST MY LOVER?

Dear Dorothy – I have been seeing a married man for just over a year now. I knew he was married from day 1, but I’ve recently discovered that I am the “other woman”. For some reason, his wife keeps ringing up and hurling abuse down the phone at me which is all the more surprising because she hasn’t even got my number. He tells me that they don’t have sex anymore and he doesn’t come across as the cheating type. Though it is strange that she is pregnant at the moment. I do believe him, but I don’t think he’s telling me the truth. Until this is all resolved I’ve told him we can’t make love anymore, so now we just have sex. I can’t help myself. He comes around to my house with his hopes already up and it’s not long before his penis is up as well. Can I trust him?

Dorothy Says - I know it’s difficult for you in these circumstances. A long time ago I had an affair with a married man and it was a very upsetting experience. As is normally the case, he ended up going back to her, but luckily it didn’t make me bitter. I would say the best solution to your problem is to have one last sex session with him and then when he’s asleep, cut the bastard’s bollocks off! That’ll teach the little shit! All men are bastards. I hate them. I’m a lesbian now, only so that I don’t get the temptation to cut off men’s bollocks because I got addicted to it. I suggest you become a lesbian too. I’m free the Wednesday after next by the way.

COME AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH

Dear Dorothy – I have a wonderful boyfriend who thinks the world of me and who I love very much. He was my first boyfriend, but I know he’s the one for me. Yeah ok, he slaps me about a bit, he keeps all his money for himself and sometimes he disappears for days on end without contacting me but everyone has their little foibles and luckily I have a low opinion of myself so it works out perfectly really. Our only problem is that whenever we have sex, he seems to emit this gooey stuff which he told me was what they used to use for toothpaste before Mr. Colgate was born. And that the reason he goes soft afterwards for a while is to give you time to brush your teeth before getting back to it again. I tried using it but I found after a few months I had to go back to my proper toothpaste. No wonder people’s teeth were so bad in the olden days. I wouldn’t have cleaned my teeth with it either. It makes me wonder what people in the olden days put on their electric toothbrushes but oh well. Is it really toothpaste or is he lying to me? I only ask because my boyfriend would laugh like a drugged up pig when I used to clean my teeth with it.

Dorothy Says - What your boyfriend is producing is sperm. It is used to make babies and generally makes a bit of a mess. Your boyfriend was only having a laugh with you, the little joker. I would suggest you just laugh it off and put it down to experience, or rather inexperience more correctly and then when he’s asleep tonight cut the fucker’s bollocks off. That’ll make him think twice before producing anymore “toothpaste”. Toothpaste, I’ll give him fucking toothpaste. Give me a sharp pair of scissors and let me loose on him. No wonder I’m now a lesbian. I suggest you become a lesbian too. I’m free the Wednesday after next. Actually can we make that Thursday, I might be busy on the Wednesday.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

Dear Dorothy – I’m so down at the moment. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs. My wife has just left me because she says I’m an arsehole with no self respect and that I treated her like shit. No self respecting arsehole would shit on someone. Everything I do is wrong, even the things I do right. And yesterday I lost my car keys and it took me ages to find them. Just when I think things can’t get any worse, I turn on the telly and Davina Mccall is on. Life’s awful. What shall I do? 

Dorothy Says – I have always been told that taking a load of tablets and getting nicely pissed before going to bed is a good way of committing suicide. I don’t like the idea of jumping off of a large building but then I’ve not done it. It might not be so bad. Weeeeeeeee, splat!! Ha ha. Could be fun, I dunno. Oh you’ve got to laugh haven’t you? Arsenic is a good poison for a quick kill, but I found getting hold of the stuff was quite difficult after my affair with that married man. Have you tried cutting off your bollocks? It’s worth a go, after all your wife has left you and you sound too depressed to get anyone else so I doubt you’ll miss them. I can do it for you if you like. I get a lot of satisfaction out of it so you’ll be doing me a favour to be honest. Maybe helping others will make you happy. I’m free next Friday.

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