Robert woke up. Just prior to waking up he was sure he’d been asleep. He had just had a dream. When Robert dreams he always wakes up before the best bit or at the bit where he desperately wants to know what happens next. It also occurs to him that he has never witnessed the end of a story in a dream. The dream merely wanders aimlessly and jumps about through some mess of a plot which no-one can make any sense of - a bit like an episode of Eastenders. Tonight he will set the alarm for 5 minutes later to see if that is long enough to witness quite literally, a dream ending.

 

Robert looked at his watch. He had no idea what time he’d looked at it, but his body clock told him it was daytime. That, and the fact that the sun was shining through a crack in the curtains straight into his eyes. He had closed the curtains properly the night before, but they had opened by themselves in the night so that he would get an eyeful of an unwanted shaft of sunlight as soon as he woke up.

 

Robert grabbed hold of whatever it is you need to grab in order to drag yourself to your feet and then dragged himself to his feet. Man cannot live on bread alone, but he decided it’s bloody handy at breakfast when you want some toast. Robert was thirsty and he also wanted a drink. He disproved the theory that a watched pot never boils, though strictly speaking it was a kettle, and made tea. Robert now felt ready to take on the world, though in reality he would probably lose no matter what the game was. Even more so if it was a big fight – especially if that bloke down the road joined in. The guy down the road was muscular. This meant he always seemed to have to walk about with just a vest on, even in the middle of winter.

 

Robert checked his diary. It was still there. It still had no entries in it. It was no use to him. He would write an entry to throw it away. But if he did that and he did throw it away he wouldn’t see the entry to get rid of it so he decided against the idea.

 

Robert was at a loss as to what to do. If he had any friends he would go and visit them. The last time he went to visit the friends he didn’t have they were out. The time before that they called the police for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And he had to pay for their front door he broke down to be fixed. He thought about going shopping, but he was a man so he wouldn’t enjoy it.

 

Robert thought about sex, but he was alone. Robert was a typical man. He thought about sex every 20 seconds. Unfortunately, he also thought about sex every 20 seconds during sex itself which made intercourse a bit of a stop start affair. This didn’t go down well with girlfriends. At least he didn’t suffer from premature ejaculation. He would always ejaculate at just the moment he was ready and not a moment before!

 

Robert wracked his brains to think of something to do. He couldn’t think of a single thing. Nope, there was nothing else for it – Robert would have to go to work…