When you’re a man, which I have been for quite a while now and probably will remain as such until my sex change operation (which will be to a woman if I go through with it if you’re interested), certain things apply. Firstly, once you “discover” girls it’s very important to get a few sexual conquests under your belt so to speak to prove it (because that is the ultimate proof of course). And if you can’t manage that, then you’re going to have to lie and make them up like the non-silent majority. We have to lie to keep up our reputation for being honest you see.

 

Secondly, men are possessive. This is due to the fact that they want to spend as much time with their partners as possible and is nothing to do with the fact that they are totally insecure and shit scared that their girlfriend will run off with the first bloke that shows them any interest. And if by chance they did think that, it would in no way reflect the fact that the reason they think this is because that is exactly what they would do if someone showed them any interest. Definitely not! If the time comes when they decide the relationship isn’t working, they will dump their girlfriend and have nothing more to do with them unless of course they hear that they are seeing someone else and then they become quite interested again.

 

Thirdly, men are very bad with dates. Unfortunately, men aren’t very good at remembering birthdays and anniversaries and things like that, but there is a good reason for this part of the brain not functioning as well as their female counterparts. It’s because they don’t care about remembering them so why bother? See, there’s a good reason for everything so don’t blame men for it, it’s a complicated brain activity type of thing. Sorry if I’m getting too technical here, but it’s complicated you see.

 

Fourtherly, men are not very good at discussing their emotions (or knowing the word fourthly). The theory is, if you don’t talk about your emotions, then you obviously don’t have emotions. It’s simple really. If a man loves you, all you need to do is ask and if they say “you know I do” or “course I do you daft sod” or “I wouldn’t be with you otherwise” then that’s probably as good as you’re gonna get, so you might as well take it.

 

Men’s partners are a very important part of their life. In fact nothing is more important. Apart from their cars that is. Men love cars. This is because a car is powerful. And it’s their car so they are equally as powerful. They want to be seen driving around showing how powerful they are. They think they look good and so they think women will think they look good, even though really they look a bit stupid, but that’s close enough.

 

After men go through the obsessed with toys and basically trying to be as immature as they can get away with stage, they immediately go onto the mid-life crisis stage. A mid-life crisis is when a man realises it’s not really feasible for him to carry on playing with his toys and acting immature anymore because it is starting to look silly. In order to get around a mid-life crisis a man will buy even more toys and gadgets and get himself an even more powerful car if possible and basically try to act young so he can justify to himself that it is still ok to be immature and be obsessed with toys. Problem sorted!