To me, bedtime is going to bed time. When I was little and I was lying in bed at night, if I heard the slightest noise I’d assume it was a great big dirty grey haired monster, who was 7ft 8 inches tall, with great big pointy teeth, claws for hands and who shambled about like a zombie making horrible growling noises that no-one, including me could hear. Well you would wouldn’t you? Obviously, now I’ve grown up I know it’s only a burglar who wouldn’t hesitate to stab me 54 times if I make a noise. At night, my hearing is a lot more finely tuned than during the day. I can hear things I never normally would, like an ant crawling across a drain for example. This is without the fact that flies turn on their extra loud buzz noise at night.

 

I didn’t believe in ghosts at school until the day my teacher told me that God was a ghost. He might’ve been of the holy variety, but a ghost is still a ghost. And ghost = scary = Michael Jackson. I don’t know why the teachers kept on going on about God when I was little. Anyone would think they were trying to brainwash me as I was an impressionable young child who would believe anything a teacher said. Or summat.

 

Some people are scared of vampires, but I’m not and I’ll let you into a little secret as to why. What I do is sleep during the day and stay awake all night with a gun by my side, loaded with silver bullets - simple, yet effective. I don’t see what’s so bad about being a vampire anyway. I have my steaks medium rare, so obviously the blood isn’t a problem. You are awake at night and sleep during the day – I’m a student, so I’m well suited to that anyway. And then there’s immortality which is always a nice bonus. Plus they always make films about vampires, so I could get myself an acting career out of it.