Hi. I’m Peter Andre. I was so sickened by the fact that Katie talked about our marriage problems and subsequent divorce on TV and made a stack of cash out of it that not only did I publicly denounce her for doing it, I decided to do the same thing myself in the News of The World soon afterwards. I only did it to put my side of the story across you understand, even though the money was very nice. But to be honest I would’ve done it for free, because I wanted to show the public I was the innocent party in all this. Nah, only joking. I’m a businessman by which I mean I will do anything for money. Some people also say I only made money through her input, but sometimes I put my cock inside her by myself, repulsive though it sounds.

Content with having put the record straight in the News of The World and happy to retreat away from public life, I then decided to also continue on a similar theme with Heat magazine which you can buy from all good (and trashy) magazine sellers. Some people are saying Katie and I only got together to make money from our so called relationship and when I get hold of these people I will want to know how the hell they found out! I never cheated on Katie whilst we were together and I can prove it! I only have the sexually transmitted diseases she gave me and no extra ones! Not even AIDS which will disappoint quite a few people I’m sure. So read about my amazing story in Heat this week and also hear details about my carefully planned please feel sorry for me and buy my new single and subsequent album because I’m sad about the divorce. Thanks. And thanks for the cash.