One day, someone will invent a ready meal container film cover which actually peels off instead of breaking off in a tapering effect in your hand with 99% of the cover still left on the container. Until then, the instructions should say pierce film lid several times and then once cooked, make multiple attempts at ripping off the cover and be annoyed as the film continually breaks during repeated attempts to remove it. Then stir well, have a pathetic attempt at re-covering the container with what’s left of the film and cook for the remaining time. Just to rub it in, they include a tantalising sticky out edge bit which you think you can simply pull to remove, but you can't just to annoy you that little bit more. It’s a bit (so much so, it is in fact nothing) like watching Jean-Claude Van Damme act and thinking he’s the worst actor you’ve ever seen. It’s close but no Seagal. Similar tantalising edge pull bit technology has since now also been added to milk and orange juice cartons. But then nature is cruel!
As proof of this, it is no coincidence that Chris Moyles now has the longest running breakfast show on Radio 1. Not that I’ve got anything firmly against the annoying, smug, fat twat. Well not until I manage to get hold of a shotgun anyway. I get up at midday now just so that I don’t have to wake up with Chris and I am able to get up that late as a result of years of experience as a student. We’ve all had to wake up to Chris Moyles for over 5 years now and if that sounds like a punishment then please do bear in mind he has been with his current partner for over 7 years! But that’s how you have to look at life really… it could always be worse - unless we’re talking about Chris Moyles’ diet plan. Chris takes great delight in continually babbling on about his exercise regime whilst still inexplicably managing to retain the proportions and weight of a truck with a gut the size of another truck with 27 illegal immigrants stashed in the back (don’t worry about their welfare, the state pays it, unless Chris eats them first).
Apparently, the comedy sections of the show are written by Comedy Dave, but seeing as these sections are always cut from the show from my experience, I suggest a new writer of these sections should possibly be brought in. Or just get shot of Comedy Dave as a happy compromise for anyone who’s ever met him. Oh and Dave, just by calling your tedious link to songs "The Tedious Link" doesn't actually then make it funny in some pathetic and incorrect attempt at irony in the same way that if I said "this next joke is going to be shit" doesn't either. Now it may sound to you like I just want to slag off the self-satisfied, pompous, if-I-surround-myself-with-people-who-are-even-less-funny-than-me-(and-that-took-some-doing-I-can-tell-you)-it’ll-make-me-look-good-hyphen arse, but…. oh I’ve forgotten the original point I was trying to make now. What I mean to say is I do congratulate Chris in that I never thought I would ever long to listen to songs from the charts again, but even the eloquent reciting of ex grime artist Dizzee Rascal selling out and producing candy rap music for 12 year olds is eminently more appealing than listening to various incarnations of early morning rip-off quizzes permeating the airwaves. And if that’s not a compliment then I’ve managed to word this blog correctly. Phew! I’m glad I’ve got that off my chest – as Chris Moyles’ partner would say.