http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/No, but if you hum it, I'll get my organ out!en-EUMokoFeed10http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/96/894c98067471f54090834d03eb23e8_160x200.jpghttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/10/28/you-should-ve-just-passed-by-7262014/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-10-28:/2009/10/28/you-should-ve-just-passed-by-7262014/Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:43:52 +0100 <p><span><span><span>Convicted criminals out on parole<br> Secret girlfriends of Ashley Cole<br> And those wanting to pump their bodies full of cholesterol<br> Were just passing by</span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span>People that just feel<br> That the meat can't be real<br> And find a certain appeal<br> About crap toys in a happy meal<br> Were just passing by</span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span>Those that like to be served by someone miserable or rude<br> And don't mind the big queue<br> For the slowest ever kind of fast food<br> Were just passing by</span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span>The chaste, acne-faced, straight-laced and shit-faced<br> Whose faith was misplaced<br> When they thought the M burger might have some form of taste<br> Were just passing by</span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span>The toddlers, young parents and the aging<br> School children bunking<br> And the people who can't quite afford Burger King<br> Were just passing by</span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span>People paying by cash, voucher or plastic<br> Who feel a bit of a dick<br> When the burger they buy looks nothing like the pic<br> And then 5 minutes after eating start to feel a bit sick<br> Were just passing by</span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span>There's a McDonalds for everyone (and pretty much one McDonalds restaurant per person)</span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/10/28/you-should-ve-just-passed-by-7262014/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/10/28/you-should-ve-just-passed-by-7262014/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/10/07/the-cheryl-cole-david-cameron-love-pact-7119472/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-10-07:/2009/10/07/the-cheryl-cole-david-cameron-love-pact-7119472/Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:30:08 +0200 <p><span><span>As I have previously mentioned in a previous blog previously, if you put topical content in a blog, in particular if it involves mentioning Cheryl Cole, FHM's sexiest female for 2009, which is still Cheryl Cole just to hopefully place me higher up in the Google listings, you are guaranteed a few more visitors. Which probably explains why my blog "HaveanAffair.com" has received the most visits!(And that, fact fans is sad but true). So if you've just joined in because of the Cheryl Cole reference, then welcome pervs and do read on!</span></span></p> <p><span><span>Cheryl Cole recently indicated that she doesn't trust her husband, footballer, and all-round bit of a cocky-arse twat, Ashley. But it's not as if trust is that important in a relationship anyway eh Cheryl? Cheryl has said that she is not happy with just Ashley, she wants even more children. I feel sorry for Cheryl. You can always tell when a female celebrity truly loves her husband to be when she changes her name to that of their husbands so as to make a statement that they are willing to sacrifice their brand (sur)name for love. Which explains why most of them don't do it.</span></span></p> <p><span><span>You always know when a relationship is in trouble or when a couple want to show that they are blissfully happy together despite reports to the contrary - they hold hands in public, presumably in order to prevent that hand from giving them a good punch to the face. I used to tie my ex-girlfriend's hands behind her back but that was for an entirely different reason. David Cameron and his wife have been swanning around Manchester lately hand-in-hand, just to show what a solid relationship they have. But I secretly know his wife isn't happy with him even though it's not so secret anymore as I am also trusting you with the information. I know this because she is married to David Cameron so it's obvious she can't be happy if you think about it, which I must've done if you think about it, which you may do sometime when you're bored. Which could be about now.</span></span></p> <p><span><span>David Cameron has stated that he doesn't want the Conservative party to be elected simply because they are sick to the tits of Labour. But that's how elections work Mr David sir. People vote to get people out, not people in. How else do you explain Boris Johnson being mayor of London. The conservatives could've put up any old bumbling, scruffy bastard shambles and put Boris up as if to prove it. The electoral system works as follows... A party gets in. After 10 years or so everyone gets sick of them and forgets how bad the other lot were when they were in. That party then gets in. Continue ad nauseum.</span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/10/07/the-cheryl-cole-david-cameron-love-pact-7119472/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/10/07/the-cheryl-cole-david-cameron-love-pact-7119472/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/did-you-used-to-be-a-celebrity-but-you-re-7024886/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-09-23:/2009/09/23/did-you-used-to-be-a-celebrity-but-you-re-7024886/Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:32:31 +0200 <p><span><span><strong>Did you used to be a celebrity but you're now finding work hard to come by? Are you a little bit famous but no-one really knows why? Have most people never bloody heard of you? Are you a struggling actor being forced to portray ordinary members of the public on adverts like the Red Driving School and those for dodgy loan companies? Do you pretend to actually have bought car insurance from Confused.com on their advert? Do you have little or no morals? Are you Andi Peters or Jodie Marsh? Then we'd love to hear from you!</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>Here in television land we are now trying to secure work for people just like you! Us celebrity types have to look after each other. To this end we require as many hardly known at all celebrities as we can get for a whole selection of programmes we've invented on the fly by cleverly changing old programmes just so you can get work instead. Programmes like...</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>Celebrity Family Fortunes!<br> I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!<br> Celebrity Wife Swap!<br> Celebrity Love Island!<br> Celebrity MasterChef!<br> Dancing On Ice!<br> Celebrity Place In The Sun!<br> Celebrity Scissorhands!<br> Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes!<br> Celebrity Weakest Link!<br> Strictly Come Dancing!<br> Celebrity Come Dine With Me!<br> Celebrity Big Brother!<br> Celebrity Bargain Hunt!<br> Celebrity Fit Club!</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>And sadly many, many, many, many more</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>Also coming soon...</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>Celebrity Celebrity Squares!<br> Celebrity Newsnight!<br> Celebrity Sitting Around Talking About Themselves!<br> Celebrity Prime Minister for a Day!<br> Celebrity Prime Minister for 2 Days!<br> Celebrity Assisted Suicide!<br> Celebrity Fame!<br> Celebrity Desperate Search for Fame!</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>In order to apply please call us on 0845 710292 and answer the following question which is so simple it could be included in the Celebrity Weakest Link show which deliberately has easier questions than the normal version because we do understand that celebrities are pretty thick to be honest:</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>I want to apply for any old celebrity programme because</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>A. I simply must be famous again even if it is for no reason whatsoever<br> B. I'm down to my last 3 homes<br> C. I've not had a holiday for over a fortnight<br> D. My ego needs inflating<br> E. All of the above</strong></span></span></p> <p><span><span><strong>Calls cost £3.50 a minute and may last for over 3 hours if we can get you talking about yourself for long enough which is never normally a problem we find. Calls made after midnight will not count and even though we could just terminate the line, we won't and so you may and indeed will still be charged.</strong></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/did-you-used-to-be-a-celebrity-but-you-re-7024886/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/did-you-used-to-be-a-celebrity-but-you-re-7024886/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/one-day-someone-will-invent-a-ready-meal-container-film-7021529/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-09-22:/2009/09/23/one-day-someone-will-invent-a-ready-meal-container-film-7021529/Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:38:42 +0200 <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>One day, someone will invent a ready meal container film cover which actually peels off instead of breaking off in a tapering effect in your hand with 99% of the cover still left on the container. Until then, the instructions should say pierce film lid several times and then once cooked, make multiple attempts at ripping off the cover and be annoyed as the film continually breaks during repeated attempts to remove it. Then stir well, have a pathetic attempt at re-covering the container with what’s left of the film and cook for the remaining time. Just to rub it in, they include a tantalising sticky out edge bit which you think you can simply pull to remove, but you can't just to annoy you that little bit more. It’s a bit (so much so, it is in fact nothing) like watching Jean-Claude Van Damme act and thinking he’s the worst actor you’ve ever seen. It’s close but no Seagal. Similar tantalising edge pull bit technology has since now also been added to milk and orange juice cartons. But then nature is cruel!</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>As proof of this, it is no coincidence that Chris Moyles now has the longest running breakfast show on Radio 1. Not that I’ve got anything firmly against the annoying, smug, fat twat. Well not until I manage to get hold of a shotgun anyway. I get up at midday now just so that I don’t have to wake up with Chris and I am able to get up that late as a result of years of experience as a student. We’ve all had to wake up to Chris Moyles for over 5 years now and if that sounds like a punishment then please do bear in mind he has been with his current partner for over 7 years! But that’s how you have to look at life really… it could always be worse - unless we’re talking about Chris Moyles’ diet plan. Chris takes great delight in continually babbling on about his exercise regime whilst still inexplicably managing to retain the proportions and weight of a truck with a gut the size of another truck with 27 illegal immigrants stashed in the back (don’t worry about their welfare, the state pays it, unless Chris eats them first).</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>Apparently, the comedy sections of the show are written by Comedy Dave, but seeing as these sections are always cut from the show from my experience, I suggest a new writer of these sections should possibly be brought in. Or just get shot of Comedy Dave as a happy compromise for anyone who’s ever met him. Oh and Dave, just by calling your tedious link to songs "The Tedious Link" doesn't actually then make it funny in some pathetic and incorrect attempt at irony in the same way that if I said "this next joke is going to be shit" doesn't either. Now it may sound to you like I just want to slag off the self-satisfied, pompous, if-I-surround-myself-with-people-who-are-even-less-funny-than-me-(and-that-took-some-doing-I-can-tell-you)-it’ll-make-me-look-good-hyphen arse, but…. oh I’ve forgotten the original point I was trying to make now. What I mean to say is I do congratulate Chris in that I never thought I would ever long to listen to songs from the charts again, but even the eloquent reciting of ex grime artist Dizzee Rascal selling out and producing candy rap music for 12 year olds is eminently more appealing than listening to various incarnations of early morning rip-off quizzes permeating the airwaves. And if that’s not a compliment then I’ve managed to word this blog correctly. Phew! I’m glad I’ve got that off my chest – as Chris Moyles’ partner would say.</span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/one-day-someone-will-invent-a-ready-meal-container-film-7021529/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/one-day-someone-will-invent-a-ready-meal-container-film-7021529/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/15/you-may-know-that-4-000-000-people-got-married-6969661/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-09-15:/2009/09/15/you-may-know-that-4-000-000-people-got-married-6969661/Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:59:59 +0200 <p><span><span>You may know that 4,000,000 people got married in the US last year but did you also know that 2% of them met on NoMoreRohypnol (formally eHA!Money!)? And going by our adverts, those 2% were pretty much all mixed ethnic relationships. With any luck, by this time next year they'll all be divorced and back on our site again. And now we're here to fleece the UK too!! We're not a dating site, we're a relationship site so in other words, we're a dating site but relationship site sounds so much better and less sleazy we hope. Think of it like a forced marriage, but less fun! For a ridiculously high fee, we can take all the fun out of dating for you and set you up with what a computer program decides are your best matches. In fact we won't even let you browse members who don't fit your profile description. Love at first sight and opposites attract? Pah!</span></span></p> <p><span><span>For your ridiculously high monthly fee, we also offer the following exclusive facilities...<br> No audio!<br> No cam option!<br> No checking who looked at your profile!<br> No performing your own profile search!<br> None of those nasty gays!<br> And best of all, no chat at all! Just crappy old email!</span></span></p> <p><span><span>At NoMoreRohypnol we go beyond pictures of ugly people and the description a user has put on their profile and instead match people by a huge collection of answers to tick box questions. Mental! So if you're serious about being absolutely desperate to hurry up and get bloody married to someone (anyone!!!) who's probably lied something chronic about their personality on their profile, then join up today. We won't regret it even if you do!</span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/15/you-may-know-that-4-000-000-people-got-married-6969661/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/15/you-may-know-that-4-000-000-people-got-married-6969661/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/11/man-i-feel-like-a-woman-6943462/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-09-11:/2009/09/11/man-i-feel-like-a-woman-6943462/Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:59:33 +0200 <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>It has been reported that South African 800m winner Caster Semenya has failed a gender test. Rumours first started that she could be a man when it was discovered that she was so muscular, even her fellow female athletes didn’t fancy her. They then continued when it was revealed that she deliberately changed her surname to provide a hint of her gender and that she was really just taking the piss – standing up, though she claimed she used a shewee. She will not be stripped of her gold medal, though she may be stripped just to see what she’s got. However, though Caster (no-one calls her “sugar”) will not be required to hand back her gold, she may be tested to see if she can hand out a pearl necklace.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Nobody would’ve said anything if she’d represented Thailand as it’s pretty much the law there to be of mixed gender. And let’s face it, we’ve all been confused by not knowing if someone is a woman or a man. I do it regularly after 10 pints. Or sometimes sober in the case of Lady Gaga and Elly Jackson from La Roux. Apparently, officials will not be taking the matter further for a few months – she could’ve had her cock off by then! Even if it was just for aerodynamic purposes. It must be pretty hard to fail a gender test if you’ll pardon the pun. Even if you don’t really know, you’ve got a 50/50 chance of getting it right and if you fail it, simply ask for a re-test and cunningly remember what you went for last time and go for the other one. The same as I do after my 10 pints!</span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/11/man-i-feel-like-a-woman-6943462/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/09/11/man-i-feel-like-a-woman-6943462/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/08/05/exclusive-new-peter-andre-interview-6660863/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-08-05:/2009/08/05/exclusive-new-peter-andre-interview-6660863/Wed, 05 Aug 2009 23:34:37 +0200 <p><span>Hi. I’m Peter Andre. I was so sickened by the fact that Katie talked about our marriage problems and subsequent divorce on TV and made a stack of cash out of it that not only did I publicly denounce her for doing it, I decided to do the same thing myself in the News of The World soon afterwards. I only did it to put my side of the story across you understand, even though the money was very nice. But to be honest I would’ve done it for free, because I wanted to show the public I was the innocent party in all this. Nah, only joking. I’m a businessman by which I mean I will do anything for money. Some people also say I only made money through her input, but sometimes I put my cock inside her by myself, repulsive though it sounds.</span></p> <p><span>Content with having put the record straight in the News of The World and happy to retreat away from public life, I then decided to also continue on a similar theme with Heat magazine which you can buy from all good (and trashy) magazine sellers. Some people are saying Katie and I only got together to make money from our so called relationship and when I get hold of these people I will want to know how the hell they found out! I never cheated on Katie whilst we were together and I can prove it! I only have the sexually transmitted diseases she gave me and no extra ones! Not even AIDS which will disappoint quite a few people I’m sure. So read about my amazing story in Heat this week and also hear details about my carefully planned please feel sorry for me and buy my new single and subsequent album because I’m sad about the divorce. Thanks. And thanks for the cash.</span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/08/05/exclusive-new-peter-andre-interview-6660863/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/08/05/exclusive-new-peter-andre-interview-6660863/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/04/23/fear-5990696/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-04-22:/2009/04/23/fear-5990696/Thu, 23 Apr 2009 00:23:22 +0200 <p><span><span>Not much scares me except spiders with the faces of dragons that will kill me as soon as they touch me that I imagine in my dreams, women in fast cars and the continual threat of a new series of “My Family”. Oh and as I’m a man I’d better say meaningful relationships I suppose. Franklin D Roosevelt once said that the “only thing we have to fear is fear itself". Well maybe he should’ve also had the fear of a cerebral haemorrhage and then possibly he may have lived longer. A lot of people have a fear of dying. This is an illogical fear as you never know, it might not happen to you. I’ve seen it happen to a lot of people, most of whom are sadly no longer with us, but it hasn’t actually happened to me yet to my knowledge.</span></span></p> <p><span><span>These days, you can’t smoke in pubs so they are a lot safer. Soon, once alcohol is also banned, we can safely visit bars without the fear of smoking, drinking and having a good night and all will be well with the world (unless you live in Zimbabwe). Which reminds me, can you die of boredom? I will watch the next series of “My Family” and let you know in due course. The UK government, following on from the lead of the US is intent on not only making smokers social outcasts, but soon, drinkers too! Hoorah! Then what vices will we be able to have (apart from those metal squeezy things that your dad has in the shed)? Amphetamines, Marijuana, Heroin and Cocaine I guess like our American cousins (if you have more than one American cousin). See, it’s not all bad. Apparently, years ago people were stoned to death – think how much tobacco and cannabis that would take! I was born too late me – half past one in the morning according to my mum and she swears she was there at the time so I have to take her word for it. I had an arse like a slapped arse at the time I’m told.</span></span></p> <p><span><span>Only in human nature can we have such a word as “Phobophobia” which is a fear of fear (why does that word scare me?). Franklin D Roosevelt would be spinning in his grave – mind your head whilst spinning Frank, don’t wanna be doing any more damage. I think fear governs the world. Have you seen how Gordon Brown drops his jaw in horror every time he utters a sentence? And I’ve not even started on terrorism yet but that’s because I can’t get my home made bomb to work yet. I used the wrong amount of baking soda and ended up with a loaf of bread that didn’t go off until 3 days after it’s best before date and most of parliament had left before then to fill in 25 identical claims for the second homes they didn't have or equated to a cardboard box in Oxford Street.</span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/04/23/fear-5990696/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/04/23/fear-5990696/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/02/12/twitter-twatting-5562156/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2009-02-12:/2009/02/12/twitter-twatting-5562156/Thu, 12 Feb 2009 20:41:04 +0100 <p>I've just joined so hello from me<br><span>about 1 hour ago from txt</span></p> <p>Not sure what I should put now loloooool<br><span>45 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Just leaving the house<br><span>40 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>I'm on the steps now<br><span>38 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Second step<br><span>36 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Fourth step<br><span>36 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Sorry, I forgot to say I was on the third step<br><span>35 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Third step (I fell backwards)<br><span>34 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Fourth step<br><span>34 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Missed the bus because I kept stopping to type inane bollocks on here<br><span>30 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>I'm not sure who's sadder, me or the 3267 followers I've now got<br><span>27 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>I wonder how long it is until the next bus?<br><span>24 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>@<span>person_standing_next_to_me_at_bus_stop</span> oh thanks<br><span>23 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>@<span>rtopa</span> probably about 10 more mins til the next one. Thanks for caring.<br><span>Or are you just trying to chat me up?<br><span>22 minutes ago from txt</span></span></p> <p>@<span>rtopa</span> I thought so. But thanks for saying I sound interesting. Trust me<br>nobody has ever said that to me before<br><span>19 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>I love tweeting already. My life now has purpose for a change<br><span>16 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>@<span>the_real_paris_hilton_not_one_of_the_200_pretend_ones</span> Yeah it probably<br>is just a fad, but I don't get out much<br><span>11 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Bus has turned up<br><span>10 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>First step<br><span>10 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Bus driver has just told me to "hurry the fuck up and put your fucking phone<br>away"<br><span>9 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Second step<br><span>8 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>@<span>busdriver</span> I'm moving and texting as fast as I can ok<br><span>8 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>First step (on my arse)<br><span>7 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>On the pavement<br><span>7 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>The bus has driven off :( I hope my boss won't be angry when I'm late :(<br><span>6 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>@<span>boss</span> I'm so sorry, please don't sack me<br><span>3 minutes ago from txt</span></p> <p>Shit<br><span>1 minute ago from txt</span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/02/12/twitter-twatting-5562156/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2009/02/12/twitter-twatting-5562156/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/22/well-an-x-factor-winner-is-number-1-in-the-5261506/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-12-22:/2008/12/22/well-an-x-factor-winner-is-number-1-in-the-5261506/Mon, 22 Dec 2008 21:44:58 +0100 <p><span><span><span>Well an X Factor winner is number 1 in the charts, so that must mean it's coming up to Christmas again. Apparently, the bookies stopped taking bets on Alexandra Burke being the Christmas number 1 several days ago after it became obvious that it was going to happen. The bookies should've stopped taking bets on it being number 1 about 3 months before X Factor even started. The bookies were fooled into thinking that they needed to actually listen to the song first before deciding - the silly billies.</span></span></span><span><span><span><br></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span><span>Alexandra Burke has stated that she doesn't even like the 'Hallelujah' song she was forced by either knifepoint, gunpoint or cashpoint to record. I think you should start getting used to having no control as to what songs you sing - sometimes you have to do things you don't like doing in order to further a career. I'm talking about Simon Cowell's career obviously and if you're lucky, he might throw you a few bob as well. Christmas is a time for giving and receiving. You give money by calling to vote for your favourite contestant and then by buying the Christmas single and Simon receives the proceeds. Don't worry about not liking "your" choice of song for Christmas Alexandra, it doesn't really matter what song you sing. You could shit down a microphone and it will still get to number 1. Burke by name....</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span><span>Due to the credit crunch, everybody is having to cut back a bit on spending over Christmas and not go so credit card mentallous. But obviously you can't cut back over Christmas as it's not right, so like everyone else it's gonna have to wait until the new year. Though after that there's always a few birthdays so I <em>would</em> put off cutting back until the summer, but of course then there's holidays to pay for. I dunno eh. After that I've got a few other birthdays, nights out, other expensive shit I fancy splashing out on for no real reason and next year's X Factor winner's single to buy, which I've heard will be the sound of someone shitting down a microphone. Sounds cool. Ah well, I'll have to start cutting back next Christmas then instead I suppose.</span></span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/22/well-an-x-factor-winner-is-number-1-in-the-5261506/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/22/well-an-x-factor-winner-is-number-1-in-the-5261506/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/17/a-sign-of-things-to-come-5238556/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-12-17:/2008/12/17/a-sign-of-things-to-come-5238556/Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:38:42 +0100 <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/626/3075626_64f9896753_m.jpeg" alt="img-symbols" hspace="5" vspace="5" width="700" height="650"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/17/a-sign-of-things-to-come-5238556/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/17/a-sign-of-things-to-come-5238556/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/time-gentlemen-please-5232881/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-12-16:/2008/12/16/time-gentlemen-please-5232881/Tue, 16 Dec 2008 21:38:16 +0100 <p><span><span><span><span><span>I think watches are badly designed. I always find that when I want to know the date, it is quarter past something and I can't see what the date is. I then try again about an hour later and I still can't see it. Stupid it is. If I was designing watches I'd put the date at the quarter to bit instead and the problem would be totally eradicated. I find it strange that wristwatches have only been around for a hundred years or so because as far as I know, time has been around for a long time - see the clue is in "a long time"!! I wear a watch so I find that time is always against me.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span><span><span>Of course, early wrist-watches weren't as spangly, dazzily and wrist-watchy as they are today. Early forms of the watch were much like incompetent Al Qaeda terrorists in that a lot of them had no hands and time telling became a fun guessing game which people would spend minutes or perhaps hours playing - nobody really knew how long. The next phase of wrist-watches only went up to 10 hours which unfortunately meant that people would spend 2 hours in the morning and night in a timeless void probably floating around in some parallel universe somewhere or other if you believed in all that. If you didn't believe in that kind of thing you just couldn't tell what the time was for a couple of hours. We used to have a grandfather clock in my house which we'd converted out of some old disused grandfather who was just lying around in the loft doing nothing apart from moaning.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span><span><span>I've done a bit of research into the mathematics of time and I can report that it was very boring and you won't be interested in it at all. It certainly didn't have anything to do with me not understanding it. All I do know is... At some point in your life, you get to a certain age where despite pentapeptides and after accepting defeat to Olay's seven signs of aging you suddenly find yourself standing in a queue at the post office moaning about your failing body and "kids nowadays" or you inexplicably wake up and find yourself sitting on a coach on a trip to the seaside surrounded by other biddies, before falling back to sleep again 5 minutes later.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/time-gentlemen-please-5232881/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/12/16/time-gentlemen-please-5232881/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/27/isn-t-it-strange-advertising-is-all-to-the-wonk-5121784/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-11-27:/2008/11/27/isn-t-it-strange-advertising-is-all-to-the-wonk-5121784/Thu, 27 Nov 2008 21:34:24 +0100 <p><span><span><span><span>Isn't it strange?... Advertising is all to the wonk as I see it. They get fat people like Fern Britton to advertise slimming foods like those Ryvita mini thingies, which obviously work because she has now lost a load of weight due to the free gastric band you must get with each packet. And then they get women who are skinnier than a rake in a vice to advertise chocolate. Don't people know that the reason chocolate is called things like planets, mars and galaxy is that you become the size of the name of the product if you eat enough of it. I know someone who looks exactly like M&M for example. Or was it Eminem? You know, comes from Mars, bit tasteless, has those annoying characters on TV and had hits with 'Stan' and 'Lose Yourself'.</span></span></span></span><span><span><span><span><br> </span></span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span><span><span>Isn't it strange?... You can have a dream one night, forget all about it 5 minutes after you've got up even though you made a point of remembering it and despite sometimes getting small flashbacks about it during the day that make no sense whatsoever, the next night you go to bed, you can remember it all again - whether you like it or not. And in fact if you don't wanna remember it, it is harder to forget. You can then attempt to try to piece the bits of the dream together so it makes sense again, or worse you can try to explain your dream to someone else even though you know it's not gonna make any sense at all and there's the possibility you are going to sound like a proper nutter.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span><span><span>Isn't it strange?... Couples who don't have kids usually end up having one or more dogs as a baby substitute and then treat them and talk about them as though they really are babies, sometimes even going the full nutcase and actually referring to them as babies. Dogs can be as ugly as babies I know, but that's where the comparison ends apart from shitting everywhere and barking obviously, but if kids are going to get Whooping Cough that's their problem. I think children should be seen and not heard, particularly if they are George Sampson though preferably not seen as well in his case. George Sampson won Britain's Got Talent by dancing. The makers of the programme obviously didn't think it through properly as you can't release singles by a dancer. Well that's what we'd all hoped anyway! They are just assuming everyone will buy his single because he can dance. Do they think the general public is stupid? That's like assuming people are so stupid they will buy the song he danced to on Britain's Got Talent as well and get that to number 1.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/27/isn-t-it-strange-advertising-is-all-to-the-wonk-5121784/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/27/isn-t-it-strange-advertising-is-all-to-the-wonk-5121784/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/25/profile-of-a-chav-5106519/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-11-25:/2008/11/25/profile-of-a-chav-5106519/Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:20:05 +0100 <p><span><span><span><span>hullo peepz. wel wot can i say bout me he he. not much. dnt do alot but jam, dance, drinks and dat. got fuk all 2 say relly but obv im sooooo random its da fuk init. im safe gal init and lissen 2 othrs probs. im very understanding and kind</span></span></span></span><span><span><span><br></span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span>but u say jus 1 bad ting and i fukin av ya. i dnt link so dnt fukin ask. not less u buff and ave a nice car init. i no i sound lyk gal u wud tak 2 ur mum n butta wnt melt but im a bitch and proud of it 4 sum reason init k k k k! and haterz can fuk off aswel even tho im 1 miself lol. itz funny when gals hate coz dere man lookin at mi. is it my fault if i encourage it and fuk dere man behind dere bak?? xxxx</span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span><span>mi bredrinz fink im a great gal wen dey not slaggin mi off behind mi bak init. and mi bredrinz dat r man always say wen can i fuk u, damn u choong babygal and romantik shit lyk dat awwwwwwwwwww. im a hyp gal but dnt do fuk all.</span></span></span></span></p> <p><span><span><span><span>if you jokes, n av same interests as mi lyk nuffin at all and talk diffrnt typ of shit 2 mi den messag mi boi. i dnt lyk borin peepz o peepz who cnt speek fukin inglis and leav the las letterz of eac wor. laterz k xx</span></span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/25/profile-of-a-chav-5106519/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/25/profile-of-a-chav-5106519/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/18/are-you-a-postman-or-a-dustman-or-in-some-5058574/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-11-18:/2008/11/18/are-you-a-postman-or-a-dustman-or-in-some-5058574/Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:45:40 +0100 <p><span><span>Are you a postman or a dustman or in some other dead end job where if we tell you that the average IT salary is 37000 pounds a year, you&rsquo;d be silly enough to think that you can earn that sort of money just like that after a 4 week course because you&rsquo;ve got the dollar signs in your eyes? Good! Then you&rsquo;re just the kind of silly bastard we&rsquo;re after so read on&hellip;<br></span></span></p> <p><span><span>Did you know that the average salary for an IT professional is 37000 pounds a year? Yeah, ok, the truth is the average is only that high because there are a few people up the top creaming it in at well over 100K a year &ndash; most IT jobs will only get you&hellip; well probably no more than you&rsquo;re already earning now really, but, can I just check you still have the dollar signs in your eyes? Good! If you pay us a ridiculous amount each week, we will chuck you a copy of the Which Idiots Guide To Using A PC To Stop It Making A Da-Donk Noise Whenever You Push A Button magazine and convince you that you&rsquo;re ready for a crappy career in IT. All IT jobs must pay well right? It&rsquo;s IT and it sounds techy and must be well paid right? Can you still not think of anything else apart from the number 37000? Good! Read on&hellip;</span></span></p> <p><span><span>Do you really think that you can achieve the same skill set after a 4 week course that people have after 3 years of a degree course? Do you think that sometimes you really <em>can</em> get something for nothing? Do you find French and Saunders' re-enactments of famous films funny just because Dawn French is an extremely fat version of a character in that film? Do people call you a bit of a dimlo? Do you think a dimlo is a female sex aid? Good! Read on...</span></span></p> <p><span><span>Do you have good social skills and find it easy to talk to people? Never mind, we can train you out of it so you a ready for a career in IT. Do you own a brown tank top? Well bloody buy one, grow a beard and join us. We will even help you to find a job on completion of your course, probably doing what you were doing before you started it.</span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/18/are-you-a-postman-or-a-dustman-or-in-some-5058574/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/18/are-you-a-postman-or-a-dustman-or-in-some-5058574/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/working-titles-for-katy-perry-s-next-album-5020935/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-11-11:/2008/11/12/working-titles-for-katy-perry-s-next-album-5020935/Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:34:26 +0100 <p><span><span>"Bestiality"</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"Gonna Expose My Breasts For The Video"</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"Let's Get Pissed Up"</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"Ur A Shit Boyfriend"</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"Ur Bisexual And I Don't Approve"</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"Yet Another Sex Song"</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"Ur Bisexual And I Liked It"</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"Buy This Single For The Slightly Shocking Sex Laden Lyrics But Not Quite Shocking Enough To Get It Banned" (I Wonder Why Remix)</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"Pearl Necklace (Naughty)"</span></span></p> <p><span><span>"End Of A Musical Career (Soon)"</span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/working-titles-for-katy-perry-s-next-album-5020935/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/working-titles-for-katy-perry-s-next-album-5020935/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/08/waxing-lyrical-until-jinxy-s-reincarnation-come-again-5003723/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-11-08:/2008/11/08/waxing-lyrical-until-jinxy-s-reincarnation-come-again-5003723/Sat, 08 Nov 2008 14:40:47 +0100 <p><span><span>I must apologise for the delay in blogging once again. I've been on a time management course. I see lots of adverts for such courses, but I plumped for this one after the advert said "Time Management course applicants wanted - No Time Wasters!!!"</span></span><span><br></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>I've been hearing some strange lyrics on songs lately. I hear The Killers singing that they got soul but they&rsquo;re not soldiers. Well that's probably true, but I'd like to point out to The Killers that just because you have something it doesn't necessarily follow that you are also everything that begins with something that sounds like that word. I have a car, but I'm not a carnation, a castle or a cartoon character. I have a fridge, but I'm not a bottled milkshake. I have an arse, but I'm not an arsehole - actually can I re-think my argument and get back to you later. Thanks.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>Katy Perry has sung that she kissed a girl and not only did she like it but she hopes her boyfriend don't mind. I think I can put your mind at ease Katy and inform you that your boyfriend won't mind. Katy, Katy, Katy, this really does show a bit of naivety on your part. Not only would he not mind, he probably wants to be there to see it next time. In fact Katy, I think your boyfriend probably knows by now that you did it, so it's a bit late to worry about it really.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>A lot of people are naive like Katy. I know I'm not naive because someone told me I wasn't and because I don't really understand whether it's true or not, I just believed them. I also don't believe in fate and I think I was always destined not to really. I think you can make your own fate and I'm sure I saw Konnie Huq make one on Blue Peter once. Konnie Huq - nice girl, but bad teeth. Her teeth look like the end of a packet of Polo's if you had the misfortune to drop them on the way back home from the shops. Come on Konnie, you&rsquo;ve got the money for a good dentist and I will continue to reject your calls until you visit one, I&rsquo;m sorry.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span><span>My friend is very much into reincarnation and as a result, I am now a born again reincarnationist (my new word for my new life). The final clue came when my pet gerbil told me he used to be the now sadly looking deceased Bruce Forsyth in a previous life. Now you might think that gerbils can't talk but as he used to be a human being he would've learnt how to talk then and despite dying you just don't forget how to do things like that so that proves it.</span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/08/waxing-lyrical-until-jinxy-s-reincarnation-come-again-5003723/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/11/08/waxing-lyrical-until-jinxy-s-reincarnation-come-again-5003723/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/28/the-ross-brand-of-humour-4946848/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-10-28:/2008/10/28/the-ross-brand-of-humour-4946848/Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:08:54 +0100 <p><span><span>Jonathon Ross and Russell Brand are in a bit of trouble it seems. A great big fuss has been made because the pair of them left joke messages on Andrew Sachs' answerphone saying Brand had slept with his granddaughter. I'm not surprised that such a fuss has come about over this, mainly because it's a bit of a piss poor joke really. I don't know why everyone is so shocked - Russell Brand is never funny wunny. I rang someone up once claiming to have slept with their granddaughter and they saw the funny side - and I'd called my mum.</span></span></p> <p><span><span>A lot of people think the joke was very offensive but as I understand it, Russell Brand routinely rings random people up claiming to have slept with their granddaughter usually with an 85% chance that it is true. Does this mean he should be allowed to be offensive though? I think not. I mean, I find Russell Brand a self-centred, vain twat but I wouldn't dream of putting that down on record.</span></span></p> <p><span><span>You might wonder why such a big deal is being made of this considering all the other jokes that are made by proper comedians. Well that's because the media has jumped on it like Russell Brand on a granddaughter and made it the fuss that it is. And of course once the media say it's naughty, at least 10,000 sad people who have nothing better to do with their lives will say "baaaaa" and ring the BBC to complain about it as well. Lots of people are now clamouring for the pair of them to be fired, but to be fair to the BBC it's not as simple as that. The BBC can't just sack presenters who rake in a load of viewers as that would be ethical.</span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/28/the-ross-brand-of-humour-4946848/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/28/the-ross-brand-of-humour-4946848/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/08/a-load-of-jodrell-bankers-4840105/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-10-08:/2008/10/08/a-load-of-jodrell-bankers-4840105/Wed, 08 Oct 2008 16:28:30 +0200 <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="apple-style-span"><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">I&rsquo;ve got a good idea. I&rsquo;m gonna start myself up as a bank. I&rsquo;m gonna pay myself huge bonuses until I go bust and then ask the Government to pay me my big bonuses instead. And when I perform so poorly that I end up sacking myself, I (or the Government, it&rsquo;s all the same thing) will pay myself a huge &ldquo;I fucked up so here&rsquo;s a load of money for your efforts&rdquo; golden handshake. I&rsquo;m pretty good with money. People often say I spend money like there&rsquo;s no tomorrow but as a lot of people say tomorrow never comes that must mean that&rsquo;s the right way to be.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="apple-style-span"><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">In order to sort out the financial crisis and get the economy going, the Government has promised a total of 500 billion quid to the banks if they need it. This equates to roughly 10000 pounds for every adult in the country. An alternative strategy to get the economy going would be to give every adult the £10,000 so they can go on a massive spending spree and inspire confidence that way, but there is a very good reason why they won&rsquo;t do that. And that is because that would be approaching equality. This is capitalism for Christ&rsquo;s sake!!</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="apple-style-span"><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">The Government might as well pump the initial 50 billion into the banking system since </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">America</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"> has already tried that approach and it seems to have made bugger all difference there. It&rsquo;s only 50 billion after all so it&rsquo;s worth a try. They have to do something as the United Kingdom FTSE 100 index is plummeting, the American NASDAQ is falling fast and even the French CAC has hit the fan.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="apple-style-span"><span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span">Money is becoming so scarce that one day we may have to start using salt as salary again. And I&rsquo;ve quite literally got pots of that at home so I&rsquo;m well prepared. My salt pots are a kind of piggy bank really. They have got a small hole in the top of them for any deposits I might have. Not a lot of people know that the word &ldquo;salary&rdquo; itself comes from the dictionary.</span></span></span></span></span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/08/a-load-of-jodrell-bankers-4840105/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/08/a-load-of-jodrell-bankers-4840105/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/08/the-jeremy-kyle-show-4839825/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-10-08:/2008/10/08/the-jeremy-kyle-show-4839825/Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:37:26 +0200 <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/621/2876621_0edb0066fc_m.jpeg" alt="THE_JEREMY_KYLE_SHOWOFF" hspace="5" vspace="5"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/08/the-jeremy-kyle-show-4839825/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/10/08/the-jeremy-kyle-show-4839825/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/09/10/the-smaller-bang-4709224/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-09-10:/2008/09/10/the-smaller-bang-4709224/Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:34:00 +0200 <p><span>Scientists have created a machine in which they are able to recreate the beginnings of the universe and in the future possibly, find out how humans came into being. I presume they have booked God for an afternoon session to get in the machine and kick things off. Well it was afternoon in this universe but just gone midnight in the new mini-universe. I know it's confusing but this is science, what do you expect? This beginning is apparently called The Big Bang, which I previously thought was the first time Adam and Eve got it together. Eve wasn&rsquo;t very fussy was she? She just shagged the first bloke she could find.</span><span> <br></span><span><br>In time, the scientists are hoping to discover many things about our universe. It is not yet known if they will name the planets and galaxies after chocolate again (as well as &ldquo;planets&rdquo; and &ldquo;galaxy&rdquo; incidentally) nor if there will be a humourous planet name that schoolboys can snigger at to replace Uranus. Further down the line, the scientists are hopeful that tiny little humans may even come to exist in the machine. Think Richard </span>Hammond (if you must)<span>, but slightly bigger. </span><span> <br></span><span><br>Of course, all of this will not happen until way into the future, even though time has yet to be invented in the new universe, let alone mobile phones so Christ knows how they are going to cope. The process is very much in its early stages and at the moment the machine merely contains billions of particles bouncing around. However, amazingly signs of life have already been observed and the scientists expect the first McDonalds restaurant to be erected in the next few days, closely followed by obesity.</span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/09/10/the-smaller-bang-4709224/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/09/10/the-smaller-bang-4709224/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/09/04/jinxy-s-student-studies-4679156/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-09-04:/2008/09/04/jinxy-s-student-studies-4679156/Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:21:59 +0200 <p><span>Apparently, because so many people are getting good marks in their A levels these days, universities are now making students sit another exam on top of the A levels in order to determine who is good enough to be accepted. This is not a new thing however. When I was at school, we also used to have a test to see who would be good enough to go to university. They were called A levels. Funnily enough, the start of the rise in A level performance just happened to coincide with the government&rsquo;s decision to increase the percentage number of students that they intended to go to university to 50% which was a massive stroke of luck, don&rsquo;t you think?</span><span> <br></span><span><br>Another change which has been introduced is to force students to stay at school until they are 17, which will be increased to 18 once they get to 17 or something like that. I&rsquo;m not sure if this is a good thing or not, because they probably should be allowed to go home in the evenings and at weekends so that they can smash the windows of bus shelters and stand outside shops with their pet pit bull asking people to buy them 10 Marlboro and a bottle of White Lightning.</span><span> <br></span><span><br>I&rsquo;m currently studying IT at the moment. IT is something which was invented in order to provide work for thousands of people who would otherwise have no place in society due to their social ineptness and general geekyness. I had my hair cut today and the woman cutting my hair asked me what I did for a living and I revealed my IT studying status which I also revealed to you a few lines up in case you&rsquo;ve forgotten. Not wanting to appear rude I also engaged in conversation with the woman and found out that she is actually a hairdresser, which I presume she does in her spare time or something.</span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/09/04/jinxy-s-student-studies-4679156/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/09/04/jinxy-s-student-studies-4679156/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/age-concerns-pt-ii-4644897/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-08-27:/2008/08/27/age-concerns-pt-ii-4644897/Wed, 27 Aug 2008 17:37:15 +0200 <p class="MsoNormal">Everybody these days is obsessed with getting old. My mum has been obsessed with it for as long as I can remember - which is 6 months. She has been taking all sorts of lotions and potions and now tells everyone that she is actually 3 years younger than me and it could be true for all I know. I used to have an older sister but as the years have gone by and I&rsquo;ve got older I have now overtaken her and I&rsquo;m now 2 years older than her. My brother (no relation) says that if we weren&rsquo;t meant to grow old and look at least twice our age then there&rsquo;d be no such thing as The Rolling Stones and unfortunately there is. My non-existent brother also says that you are only as old as the person you feel and in the case of males between the ages of 15 and 20 that is usually themselves.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Every other advert you see on TV now is for some beauty product or other which claims to defy the signs of aging. The other adverts are all for price comparison websites. Incidentally, I wish there was a price comparison website comparison website so I can decide which price comparison website I should use. Many of the beauty products contain pentapeptides. I tended to take it orally rather than rub it into my skin though for maximum effect. It didn&rsquo;t work but my oesophagus is now as smooth as a baby&rsquo;s bum.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Many celebrities lie about their age because they are scared of becoming less popular. No-one is quite sure whether Geri Halliwell is 45 or 50 due to constant denials about her age, though she denies this. Geri Halliwell&rsquo;s baby was born by <span>caesarean section. A caesarean section is a form a childbirth which is performed when a natural delivery would put either the mother or baby in danger, or if you are famous and you are either too scared to give birth naturally or don&rsquo;t want to make the downstairs furniture to be arranged in a potentially more spacious manner.</span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/age-concerns-pt-ii-4644897/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/age-concerns-pt-ii-4644897/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/the-olympics-4584063/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-08-13:/2008/08/13/the-olympics-4584063/Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:43:15 +0200 <p class="MsoNormal">Unless you&rsquo;ve been living in a world where you have no knowledge that the summer Olympics is on and can&rsquo;t see any of it, you&rsquo;ll know that the summer Olympics is on and may have seen some of it. That, by the way is summer in China and not this strange cross between all four seasons that we have in Britain at the moment. The Olympics this year is being held in the Peoples&rsquo; Republic of China which is in itself a contradiction in terms. The media in this country kicked up a fuss when the little girl who sang at the opening ceremony was later found to be miming to a song which was recorded by a girl who the Chinese deemed to be not pretty enough. It&rsquo;s not like that doesn&rsquo;t happen in this country as well. There is an unwritten rule that you cannot get a recording contract unless you&rsquo;re attractive, with the possible exception of Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">If you aren&rsquo;t aware, the Olympics is an occasion to celebrate sport and bring together people of all nations. Oh and also for America and China to try to outdo each other in terms of gold medals so as to make a political statement that one country is better than the other like kids in a playground. A lot of people criticise China for its repressive regime. In Britain it is totally different. We have the opportunity to vote for political parties that are all the same and hence it won&rsquo;t make a difference who we vote for. We have a choice of who we want to carry out exactly the same policies and that&rsquo;s democracy. And British Governments are corrupt in a nice way, not like those Chinese rulers.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">So far in the Olympics, we have had the gymnastics which is where 14 year old girls with men&rsquo;s bodies jump about for a few years until their body packs up at the age of 20 and they spend the rest of their life in an attempt to have a period. Sometimes I wish I was female, especially now that the &ldquo;Always&rdquo; pad means I can have a happy period! We have also had various shooting events at the Olympics which for some reason the Americans seem particularly good at - though admittedly they do have to fine tune their training away from shooting people towards a much smaller target instead.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">The swimming events have also been taking place lately and new world records are being set in nearly every race. It is predicted that by London 2012 all swimming world records will eventually reach zero seconds and the race will then be on to complete a race in negative time.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/the-olympics-4584063/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/the-olympics-4584063/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/22/god-s-reckoning-4208387/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-05-22:/2008/05/22/god-s-reckoning-4208387/Thu, 22 May 2008 18:02:57 +0200 <p class="MsoNormal"><knock></p> <p>God: Come in.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: Hello God, you&rsquo;ve been expecting me I believe?</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: Yes, that&rsquo;s right, do sit down.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: Thanks&hellip; Now as you know, we&rsquo;ve been wanting to speak to for a while now. For someone who is omnipresent, you&rsquo;re a hard man to track down.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: Yeah, sorry about that. I&rsquo;ve been pretty busy lately.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: Well, we wanted to speak to you about a number of problems on Earth lately and possible neglect on your behalf.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: Oh yes, what problems are these?</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: Well, take the Earthquake in China and the cyclone in Burma recently for example.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: Oh, that!</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: Yes, that! All those people who died because of those tragedies. Did you really do enough to help?</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: Well, like I said I&rsquo;ve been really busy lately.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: I&rsquo;ve got to say God, a lot of this is your own doing. Years ago, we had a god for everything &ndash; a god for war, a god for famine, a god for love. We had our arses covered. You were the one who suggested streamlining and downsizing and said you could do all the work instead. And you said that that would stop all the religious wars. That didn&rsquo;t quite work out did it?</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: I didn&rsquo;t realise that people would want to hate each other no matter what the religious state of affairs was. And, anyway, I&rsquo;ve had my son to look after as well. He always comes first.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: The son you let die on the cross you mean?</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: Er, well yeah.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: We wanted to talk to you about that as well. Your superiors are suggesting you should be arrested and tried for son of manslaughter. It&rsquo;s been one problem after another God I&rsquo;m afraid. Take the debacle over the omission of page 2 of the bible where the creation of dinosaurs is mentioned. It&rsquo;s made the church look like fools trying to explain that one!</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: I&rsquo;ve already apologised for that.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: It&rsquo;s just not good enough God. So we&rsquo;ve decided to replace you with the Big Bang theory and say that there is no God after all.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: You don&rsquo;t believe in that atheism crap do you?</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: Well it&rsquo;s worth a try. Some people will believe anything you tell them.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: Who&rsquo;s going to replace me then?</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: Saint Stephen.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">God: Oh right, well he&rsquo;s not a bad bloke I guess.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Auditor: I&rsquo;m glad you agree. Roll Stephen Hawking in will you. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/22/god-s-reckoning-4208387/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/22/god-s-reckoning-4208387/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/21/jinxy-s-money-talks-4204996/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-05-21:/2008/05/21/jinxy-s-money-talks-4204996/Wed, 21 May 2008 21:54:57 +0200 <p class="MsoNormal">Talk is cheap, unless you&rsquo;re booking Cherie Blair as an after dinner speaker. Everybody is talking about the credit crunch lately apart from the people who aren&rsquo;t and money must be tight when Peter Jones, the multi-millionaire from Dragons&rsquo; Den feels like he has to add a few more thousand to the coffers from doing an advert for BT. Times must be particularly hard for the money grabbing greedy bastard. Good luck to the man though. I merely wish he would die in a private helicopter crash (the rich man&rsquo;s death of choice). Everybody is feeling the pinch these days, even the price of fruit and vegetables has gone through the roof, depending on how high the roof is. It&rsquo;s not surprising really as apples don&rsquo;t grow on trees you know.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">It&rsquo;s more worrying when you consider that people have to have lots of money, because money is power and you&rsquo;re also not likely to get a girlfriend unless you&rsquo;ve got plenty of it, especially if you&rsquo;re ugly &ndash; ask Mick Hucknall. At least, that is the perception by blokes in particular, which is why they tell women online they have a fantastic job and are totally raking it in, perhaps as a gardener. And at some point the perception makes itself a fact. If you haven&rsquo;t got lots of money, you are going to have to attempt to replicate power in some other way &ndash; such as carrying a gun about your person, or yourself, whoever is the closest.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">You know when you are living below the bread line (however due to the rise in bread prices, the salary that qualifies you for this has dramatically increased) when you end up spending £20 a week on lottery tickets, using any spare cash on the scratch cards. This is hard times indeed. One in five scratch cards gives a win! This win is £2 99.99% of the time and so this means once you have frantically scratched the card outside the shop in the vain hope that you might win big, you then have to go straight back in to buy more tickets with the winnings where you will then buy one of the four in five that don&rsquo;t win.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/21/jinxy-s-money-talks-4204996/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/21/jinxy-s-money-talks-4204996/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/01/due-to-absence-i-m-back-as-the-apprentic-4118945/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-05-01:/2008/05/01/due-to-absence-i-m-back-as-the-apprentic-4118945/Thu, 01 May 2008 16:04:51 +0200 <p class="MsoNormal">I&rsquo;ve been absent again due to me not being here, but I do have a good excuse for a change. Well I will have once I&rsquo;ve made one up and as soon as I have I will let you know. I&rsquo;ve actually been rather busy working on a couple of film ideas. My first one is about a lazy prison guard living on the edge who takes no prisoners. My second one is about a gun toting clairvoyant who shoots to kill first and asks them questions later. I&rsquo;m still waiting for a response other than the &ldquo;bugger off you weirdo&rdquo; I have received so far. Actually, without exaggeration or inaccuracy which is literally a dictionary definition of the word. Oh well, life&rsquo;s a man or a woman and then you marry one.</p> <p>Whilst I&rsquo;m talking about men and women, I&rsquo;ve now decided I&rsquo;d like to buy an airport luggage handling vehicle coz I saw a few on an advert and I&rsquo;m gonna buy the fastest one. Somebody told me later that that was actually an advert for chocolate and that some pretentious twats at Cadburys think it&rsquo;s cool to try to produce some sort of filmic advertisement to show off, not realising that it&rsquo;s actually a load of bollocks. In a desperate attempt to cheer themselves up, people reach for the nearest bar of chocy so I guess it&rsquo;s doing its job. While I&rsquo;m here, coz I am, I don&rsquo;t know much about French, but I <em>can</em> state with confidence that Edith Piaf does not sing that she should&rsquo;ve gone to Specsavers in French during je ne regrette rien despite what the subtitles say and therefore I think the advert is misleading (not to mention, not funny).</p> <p>Whilst I&rsquo;m talking about Edit Piaf again (I&rsquo;ve lost count of the number of times I talk about her, but this is because I can&rsquo;t remember what comes after one), I have been watching the ultra confident and excellent candidates on &ldquo;The Apprentice&rdquo;. The reason they are excellent is because no matter how much they cock things up, it is always someone else&rsquo;s fault and they are still brilliant. I hate arrogant people. Luckily I really am brilliant, so it&rsquo;s not arrogance &ndash; it&rsquo;s confidence. For some reason, they seem to think that they were chosen because they are the 20 best candidates for such a position, not realising that the vast majority of them were picked out to appear on the programme for the audience&rsquo;s titillation and so they can laugh as they make idiots of themselves and yet be blissfully unaware of the fact. For those not in the know, each week Alan Sugar analyses (well he can&rsquo;t be bothered actually so his lackeys do it for him) the candidates before he accuses the biggest idiot of the week of being Mohammed Al Fayed.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/01/due-to-absence-i-m-back-as-the-apprentic-4118945/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/05/01/due-to-absence-i-m-back-as-the-apprentic-4118945/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/between-iraq-and-a-hard-place-3940061/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-03-25:/2008/03/25/between-iraq-and-a-hard-place-3940061/Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:15:36 +0100 <p><span>Aren&rsquo;t people in Iraq miserable buggers? The suicide rate is ridiculously high. And just because <em>they</em> are feeling suicidal, why do they have to strap bombs to themselves and take out a load of other people as well? It&rsquo;s just not politically correct is it? Now I&rsquo;ve never committed suicide myself to my knowledge, but a lot of people try to do it apparently as a cry for help. Surely it would make more sense to actually cry &ldquo;Help!&rdquo; instead? I&rsquo;ve always found it quite easy to spot people who have suicidal tendencies. If you look closely they tend to be dangling from ceilings with a noose around their neck or they are lying in a bath with nasty cuts on their wrists.</span><span> <br></span><span><br>It is obviously the natural progression to go from Iraq directly to Viagra. It is 10 years this month since Viagra &ndash; the climax of many hours of handiwork, first exploded onto the scene, followed closely by the sheets. The makers of the drug faced stiff competition before finally getting on top. It is designed to be taken orally, Viagra that is. The church were against the idea, but most men bashed the bishops into submission. It&rsquo;s funny that men take a pill to get women pregnant and women take a pill to prevent getting pregnant by men &ndash; and horses. A lot of men take Viagra before they go out on the piss. What&rsquo;s wrong with the old fashioned method of putting a sock down your trousers? Yeah, it might stink a bit, but you also get the added bonus that if for some reason you happen to lose a sock whilst you&rsquo;re out, you are covered. And I&rsquo;ve lost count of the number of times I&rsquo;ve lost a sock whilst out, though I believe it is zero, or it could be even more than that given the number of single socks I have in my possession (I have 3 in each pocket).</span><span> <br></span><span><br>Dr Abraham Morgentaler, who is some doctor with a stupid name fact fans is reported as saying that many men take Viagra to &ldquo;heighten their feelings of masculinity&rdquo; &ndash; well quite, that is the idea I think. He doesn&rsquo;t miss a trick does he? Apparently, Viagra was discovered by accident. The active drug in it was originally meant to be used to lower blood pressure. Lower blood pressure? Not in the penis it doesn&rsquo;t! It has also helped to make impotence to no longer be a taboo subject, but I don&rsquo;t like to talk about that really.</span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/between-iraq-and-a-hard-place-3940061/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/between-iraq-and-a-hard-place-3940061/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/03/20/jinxy-shops-all-the-way-to-france-3911281/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-03-20:/2008/03/20/jinxy-shops-all-the-way-to-france-3911281/Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:54:27 +0100 <p class="MsoNormal">Firstly, I should apologise for my long absence, but what with my busy schedule of constantly alternating between the states of couldn&rsquo;t be botheredness and can&rsquo;t be arsedness, I have been unable to fulfil my blog duties. In order to make up for it I've increased the size of the text in this entry to make it look like I've written loads. But what the hell, I&rsquo;m here now and coincidentally so are you as you&rsquo;re reading this aren&rsquo;t you. Now wasn&rsquo;t that a rhetorical question. And so was that. I was also going to be involved in Sport Relief until I realised my body would have to suffer some physical exertion. To me, Sport Relief is the relief you get from not doing any sport. I had to chuck out some bacon earlier. Not because it was out of date, but it specifically said on the packet to display until the 25^th March and unfortunately I&rsquo;ve had it hidden away in the fridge instead.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">I&rsquo;ve often wondered why there are signs outside shops saying Guide Dogs Only. The blind can&rsquo;t read them. Maybe they should be in Braille and a sign to the side of it should say &ldquo;Have a good feel of the adjacent Braille sign to find out if your dog is allowed in.&rdquo; That would work. My friend was blind and he hated the prejudice he used to suffer because of it. He used to say everyone treated him differently and that there was as much chance of finding someone who treated him normally as finding a heterosexual male flight attendant. I think we should all take a leaf out of his book and that&rsquo;s because he owned a book of pressed flowers. He&rsquo;s dead now, as is probably the heterosexual male flight attendant (or male hairdresser if you&rsquo;re stuck) but if he was alive today he&rsquo;d be spinning in his grave.</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">Talking of shops, aren&rsquo;t kids getting huge these days? They are so big that signs are put up in shop windows to ensure only 2 children are allowed in at any one time presumably because nobody else will be able to fit in the shop otherwise. It makes sense for only 2 children to be allowed in a shop at once as otherwise they can&rsquo;t all get at the booze they are going to get. I think booze should be displayed close to the entrance to the shop because that way I don&rsquo;t get barged by kids running out of the shop laden with White Lightning when they don&rsquo;t particularly want to pay for it on that occasion. I&rsquo;d rather be at DFS for their one day sale that lasts until December.</p>   <p><span>I hate people who stereotype others, especially the French because I know someone French who also comes from France as if to prove the point and he does it so I reckon they all do. He stereotypes everyone and I am totally against it. I&rsquo;ve not seen him for a while and I can&rsquo;t even remember his name, but it&rsquo;s probably Pierre or something. He was so negative that if I asked him to think of a number he&rsquo;d always pick a number less than zero. Mind you, any faith I may have had in man soon evaporates after an episode of Golden Balls. </span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/03/20/jinxy-shops-all-the-way-to-france-3911281/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/03/20/jinxy-shops-all-the-way-to-france-3911281/#commentshttp://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/01/21/reality_show_application_ad~3609142/tag:jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk,2008-01-21:/2008/01/21/reality_show_application_ad~3609142/Mon, 21 Jan 2008 12:59:55 +0100 <p class="MsoNormal">Did you used to be famous? Did you do the Eastenders to The Bill to Casualty circuit before finally sinking without trace? Did you leave Coronation Street with your head up your arse thinking you were destined for great things before heading off to America and then quickly finding yourself up shit street? Sick of starring in panto with Leslie Grantham? Then we need you to star in one of our celebrity reality shows so that we can make loads of money out of TV viewers and you can relive the glory days &ndash; or glory day to be precise. Obviously the big names aren&rsquo;t interested in making a complete fool of themselves on telly, so we need people desperate for fame like you to make up the numbers! Don&rsquo;t take our word on it (or anything for that matter), instead listen to some of our satisfied customers:</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;Thank you for the opportunity to get my annoying face and even more annoying voice back on the telly. I&rsquo;d forgotten what it was like to be famous. And now I&rsquo;m forgetting it all over again. Cheers.&rdquo; &ndash; Joe Pasquale</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I was beginning to think my career was as dead and buried as some of the people who attend my drug fuelled parties before I entered the Big Brother house. At least now I know it is. Thanks for everything.&rdquo; &ndash; Michael Barrymore</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;God knows how someone as thick as I am can make a stack of cash just because I appeared on a reality TV show. But I figured if I go back on again, I&rsquo;ll make even more money. I think it actually went really well.&rdquo; &ndash; Jade Goody</p>  <br> <p class="MsoNormal">&ldquo;I am so glad I appeared on your programme. I have now found love for the 1,378^th time. I am so happy. Cerys and I are planning to get married soon and I&rsquo;ve already lined up a deal with 3 national newspapers to sell my story when we get divorced 6 months later!!&rdquo; &ndash; Marc Bannerman</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/01/21/reality_show_application_ad~3609142/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jinxyhasaramble.blog.co.uk/2008/01/21/reality_show_application_ad~3609142/#comments