Do You Know Where The G-Spot Is?

I think watches are badly designed. I always find that when I want to know the date, it is quarter past something and I can't see what the date is. I then try again about an hour later and I still can't see it. Stupid it is. If I was designing watches I'd put the date at the quarter to bit instead and the problem would be totally eradicated. I find it strange that wristwatches have only been around for a hundred years or so because as far as I know, time has been around for a long time - see the clue is in "a long time"!! I wear a watch so I find that time is always against me.

Of course, early wrist-watches weren't as spangly, dazzily and wrist-watchy as they are today. Early forms of the watch were much like incompetent Al Qaeda terrorists in that a lot of them had no hands and time telling became a fun guessing game which people would spend minutes or perhaps hours playing - nobody really knew how long. The next phase of wrist-watches only went up to 10 hours which unfortunately meant that people would spend 2 hours in the morning and night in a timeless void probably floating around in some parallel universe somewhere or other if you believed in all that. If you didn't believe in that kind of thing you just couldn't tell what the time was for a couple of hours. We used to have a grandfather clock in my house which we'd converted out of some old disused grandfather who was just lying around in the loft doing nothing apart from moaning.

I've done a bit of research into the mathematics of time and I can report that it was very boring and you won't be interested in it at all. It certainly didn't have anything to do with me not understanding it. All I do know is... At some point in your life, you get to a certain age where despite pentapeptides and after accepting defeat to Olay's seven signs of aging you suddenly find yourself standing in a queue at the post office moaning about your failing body and "kids nowadays" or you inexplicably wake up and find yourself sitting on a coach on a trip to the seaside surrounded by other biddies, before falling back to sleep again 5 minutes later.

Isn't it strange?... Advertising is all to the wonk as I see it. They get fat people like Fern Britton to advertise slimming foods like those Ryvita mini thingies, which obviously work because she has now lost a load of weight due to the free gastric band you must get with each packet. And then they get women who are skinnier than a rake in a vice to advertise chocolate. Don't people know that the reason chocolate is called things like planets, mars and galaxy is that you become the size of the name of the product if you eat enough of it. I know someone who looks exactly like M&M for example. Or was it Eminem? You know, comes from Mars, bit tasteless, has those annoying characters on TV and had hits with 'Stan' and 'Lose Yourself'.

Isn't it strange?... You can have a dream one night, forget all about it 5 minutes after you've got up even though you made a point of remembering it and despite sometimes getting small flashbacks about it during the day that make no sense whatsoever, the next night you go to bed, you can remember it all again - whether you like it or not. And in fact if you don't wanna remember it, it is harder to forget. You can then attempt to try to piece the bits of the dream together so it makes sense again, or worse you can try to explain your dream to someone else even though you know it's not gonna make any sense at all and there's the possibility you are going to sound like a proper nutter.

Isn't it strange?... Couples who don't have kids usually end up having one or more dogs as a baby substitute and then treat them and talk about them as though they really are babies, sometimes even going the full nutcase and actually referring to them as babies. Dogs can be as ugly as babies I know, but that's where the comparison ends apart from shitting everywhere and barking obviously, but if kids are going to get Whooping Cough that's their problem. I think children should be seen and not heard, particularly if they are George Sampson though preferably not seen as well in his case. George Sampson won Britain's Got Talent by dancing. The makers of the programme obviously didn't think it through properly as you can't release singles by a dancer. Well that's what we'd all hoped anyway! They are just assuming everyone will buy his single because he can dance. Do they think the general public is stupid? That's like assuming people are so stupid they will buy the song he danced to on Britain's Got Talent as well and get that to number 1.

hullo peepz. wel wot can i say bout me he he. not much. dnt do alot but jam, dance, drinks and dat. got fuk all 2 say relly but obv im sooooo random its da fuk init. im safe gal init and lissen 2 othrs probs. im very understanding and kind

but u say jus 1 bad ting and i fukin av ya. i dnt link so dnt fukin ask. not less u buff and ave a nice car init. i no i sound lyk gal u wud tak 2 ur mum n butta wnt melt but im a bitch and proud of it 4 sum reason init k k k k! and haterz can fuk off aswel even tho im 1 miself lol. itz funny when gals hate coz dere man lookin at mi. is it my fault if i encourage it and fuk dere man behind dere bak?? xxxx

mi bredrinz fink im a great gal wen dey not slaggin mi off behind mi bak init. and mi bredrinz dat r man always say wen can i fuk u, damn u choong babygal and romantik shit lyk dat awwwwwwwwwww. im a hyp gal but dnt do fuk all.

if you jokes, n av same interests as mi lyk nuffin at all and talk diffrnt typ of shit 2 mi den messag mi boi. i dnt lyk borin peepz o peepz who cnt speek fukin inglis and leav the las letterz of eac wor. laterz k xx

Are you a postman or a dustman or in some other dead end job where if we tell you that the average IT salary is 37000 pounds a year, you’d be silly enough to think that you can earn that sort of money just like that after a 4 week course because you’ve got the dollar signs in your eyes? Good! Then you’re just the kind of silly bastard we’re after so read on…

Did you know that the average salary for an IT professional is 37000 pounds a year? Yeah, ok, the truth is the average is only that high because there are a few people up the top creaming it in at well over 100K a year – most IT jobs will only get you… well probably no more than you’re already earning now really, but, can I just check you still have the dollar signs in your eyes? Good! If you pay us a ridiculous amount each week, we will chuck you a copy of the Which Idiots Guide To Using A PC To Stop It Making A Da-Donk Noise Whenever You Push A Button magazine and convince you that you’re ready for a crappy career in IT. All IT jobs must pay well right? It’s IT and it sounds techy and must be well paid right? Can you still not think of anything else apart from the number 37000? Good! Read on…

Do you really think that you can achieve the same skill set after a 4 week course that people have after 3 years of a degree course? Do you think that sometimes you really can get something for nothing? Do you find French and Saunders' re-enactments of famous films funny just because Dawn French is an extremely fat version of a character in that film? Do people call you a bit of a dimlo? Do you think a dimlo is a female sex aid? Good! Read on...

Do you have good social skills and find it easy to talk to people? Never mind, we can train you out of it so you a ready for a career in IT. Do you own a brown tank top? Well bloody buy one, grow a beard and join us. We will even help you to find a job on completion of your course, probably doing what you were doing before you started it.

"Bestiality"

"Gonna Expose My Breasts For The Video"

"Let's Get Pissed Up"

"Ur A Shit Boyfriend"

"Ur Bisexual And I Don't Approve"

"Yet Another Sex Song"

"Ur Bisexual And I Liked It"

"Buy This Single For The Slightly Shocking Sex Laden Lyrics But Not Quite Shocking Enough To Get It Banned" (I Wonder Why Remix)

"Pearl Necklace (Naughty)"

"End Of A Musical Career (Soon)"

I must apologise for the delay in blogging once again. I've been on a time management course. I see lots of adverts for such courses, but I plumped for this one after the advert said "Time Management course applicants wanted - No Time Wasters!!!"

I've been hearing some strange lyrics on songs lately. I hear The Killers singing that they got soul but they’re not soldiers. Well that's probably true, but I'd like to point out to The Killers that just because you have something it doesn't necessarily follow that you are also everything that begins with something that sounds like that word. I have a car, but I'm not a carnation, a castle or a cartoon character. I have a fridge, but I'm not a bottled milkshake. I have an arse, but I'm not an arsehole - actually can I re-think my argument and get back to you later. Thanks.

Katy Perry has sung that she kissed a girl and not only did she like it but she hopes her boyfriend don't mind. I think I can put your mind at ease Katy and inform you that your boyfriend won't mind. Katy, Katy, Katy, this really does show a bit of naivety on your part. Not only would he not mind, he probably wants to be there to see it next time. In fact Katy, I think your boyfriend probably knows by now that you did it, so it's a bit late to worry about it really.

A lot of people are naive like Katy. I know I'm not naive because someone told me I wasn't and because I don't really understand whether it's true or not, I just believed them. I also don't believe in fate and I think I was always destined not to really. I think you can make your own fate and I'm sure I saw Konnie Huq make one on Blue Peter once. Konnie Huq - nice girl, but bad teeth. Her teeth look like the end of a packet of Polo's if you had the misfortune to drop them on the way back home from the shops. Come on Konnie, you’ve got the money for a good dentist and I will continue to reject your calls until you visit one, I’m sorry.

My friend is very much into reincarnation and as a result, I am now a born again reincarnationist (my new word for my new life). The final clue came when my pet gerbil told me he used to be the now sadly looking deceased Bruce Forsyth in a previous life. Now you might think that gerbils can't talk but as he used to be a human being he would've learnt how to talk then and despite dying you just don't forget how to do things like that so that proves it.

Jonathon Ross and Russell Brand are in a bit of trouble it seems. A great big fuss has been made because the pair of them left joke messages on Andrew Sachs' answerphone saying Brand had slept with his granddaughter. I'm not surprised that such a fuss has come about over this, mainly because it's a bit of a piss poor joke really. I don't know why everyone is so shocked - Russell Brand is never funny wunny. I rang someone up once claiming to have slept with their granddaughter and they saw the funny side - and I'd called my mum.

A lot of people think the joke was very offensive but as I understand it, Russell Brand routinely rings random people up claiming to have slept with their granddaughter usually with an 85% chance that it is true. Does this mean he should be allowed to be offensive though? I think not. I mean, I find Russell Brand a self-centred, vain twat but I wouldn't dream of putting that down on record.

You might wonder why such a big deal is being made of this considering all the other jokes that are made by proper comedians. Well that's because the media has jumped on it like Russell Brand on a granddaughter and made it the fuss that it is. And of course once the media say it's naughty, at least 10,000 sad people who have nothing better to do with their lives will say "baaaaa" and ring the BBC to complain about it as well. Lots of people are now clamouring for the pair of them to be fired, but to be fair to the BBC it's not as simple as that. The BBC can't just sack presenters who rake in a load of viewers as that would be ethical.

I’ve got a good idea. I’m gonna start myself up as a bank. I’m gonna pay myself huge bonuses until I go bust and then ask the Government to pay me my big bonuses instead. And when I perform so poorly that I end up sacking myself, I (or the Government, it’s all the same thing) will pay myself a huge “I fucked up so here’s a load of money for your efforts” golden handshake. I’m pretty good with money. People often say I spend money like there’s no tomorrow but as a lot of people say tomorrow never comes that must mean that’s the right way to be.

In order to sort out the financial crisis and get the economy going, the Government has promised a total of 500 billion quid to the banks if they need it. This equates to roughly 10000 pounds for every adult in the country. An alternative strategy to get the economy going would be to give every adult the £10,000 so they can go on a massive spending spree and inspire confidence that way, but there is a very good reason why they won’t do that. And that is because that would be approaching equality. This is capitalism for Christ’s sake!!

The Government might as well pump the initial 50 billion into the banking system since America has already tried that approach and it seems to have made bugger all difference there. It’s only 50 billion after all so it’s worth a try. They have to do something as the United Kingdom FTSE 100 index is plummeting, the American NASDAQ is falling fast and even the French CAC has hit the fan.

Money is becoming so scarce that one day we may have to start using salt as salary again. And I’ve quite literally got pots of that at home so I’m well prepared. My salt pots are a kind of piggy bank really. They have got a small hole in the top of them for any deposits I might have. Not a lot of people know that the word “salary” itself comes from the dictionary.